IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some museums and art galleries charge admission fees, while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of charging for admission outweigh the disadvantages?

These days, some facilities for historic objects and artworks require visitors to pay an
admission
Use synonyms
 fee. Some people think it
disturbs
Verb problem
distracts
show examples
 them from having an interest in those
things
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, its advantages
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
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 its
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
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. On the one hand, those places cannot attract other people to visit. Generally, the public gets interested in remains or artworks after experiencing those
things
Use synonyms
 in person.
However
Linking Words
, if users need to pay
money
Use synonyms
 for entrance, they will not try to go inside, thinking it is a waste of
money
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.
Then
Linking Words
, museums and art galleries can earn
money
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from only
Correct word order
only from
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 individuals who are originally interested in
exhibited
Correct article usage
the exhibited
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things
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, my friend named Eunseo has never visited those facilities.
This
Linking Words
 is because she feels reluctant to pay
admission
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 fees to see modern
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
 that she does not have concerns about.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, owners of them need to earn
money
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 to conserve
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
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objects
Check wording
apply
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in optimal conditions. The majority of historic records and
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
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 are sensitive, getting damaged easily in unsuitable environments.
Thus
Linking Words
, maintaining the appropriate
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
needs
Verb problem
requires
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 a lot of
money
Use synonyms
, hard to be responsible for it alone.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a limitation of
money
Use synonyms
 leads to a limited number of exhibited products.
For instance
Linking Words
, I visited two Joseon dynasty museums: one required me to pay an entrance fee; the other did not. Each ruin in the former one stayed in each container based on the appropriate temperature.
Also
Linking Words
, I could appreciate the larger number of ruins there. For these reasons,
admission
Use synonyms
 fees are beneficial for owners
as well as
Linking Words
 visitors. In conclusion, it is true that there is a con to charging
admission
Use synonyms
 fees to enter those facilities.
However
Linking Words
, it is more advantageous for every person because owners can reduce their financial burden
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 people can enjoy a wide array of
things
Use synonyms
.

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development
Work on how you link ideas. Use clear topic sentences. Try to use more contrasts in your points.
grammar
Fix word use and grammar errors. Check spellings like 'outweigh'. Keep to simple words.
content
Give more details or examples for each point to be clear.
structure
Make the end a bit stronger by restating your view and main reason.
structure
You show a clear view in each paragraph.
content
You use examples to back your points.
coherence
You use link words like 'nevertheless' and 'for example'.
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