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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.
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The following pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 information about the percentage of
Use synonyms
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
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 on different goods and services in two different countries
such
Linking Words
 as
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the most of expenditures come to housing in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
 in
Japan
Use synonyms
 the least comes to health care.
Firstly
Linking Words
, we are able to notice that one
thirds
Change to a singular noun
third
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 of total
Use synonyms
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 to housing making it 34%
then
Linking Words
 food is
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place involving 27% out of 100%. In
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 transport's percentage is 10%
while
Linking Words
 in
Japan
Use synonyms
 it is twice
larger
Correct article usage
the larger
show examples
 20%.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Japan
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 is pretty similar to
Malaysia
Use synonyms
's but there
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
difirences
Correct your spelling
differences
 between them
such
Linking Words
 as housing.
For example
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
's expenditures on 13% smaller
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
Malaysia
Use synonyms
's.
Also
Linking Words
 health care in
Japan
Use synonyms
twice
Add a missing verb
is twice
show examples
 larger
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
.
Use synonyms
Spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
Spending
show examples
 on food
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 24% and wastings
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other services is 29%.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 was more even amongst departments than
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 in 2010.
Although
Linking Words
 there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
commons
Fix the agreement mistake
common
show examples
 between those countries that Health care was the lowest number of all.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "such".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words spendings, japan, malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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