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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.
#changes #place #three #areas #crime #newport #city #center
The following pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 information about the percentage of
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
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 on different goods and services in two different countries
such
 as
Japan
 and
Malaysia
.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 the most of expenditures come to housing in
Malaysia
whereas
 in
Japan
 the least comes to health care.
Firstly
, we are able to notice that one
thirds
Change to a singular noun
third
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 of total
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 in
Malaysia
comes
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come
show examples
 to housing making it 34%
then
 food is
on
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place involving 27% out of 100%. In
Malaysia
 transport's percentage is 10%
while
 in
Japan
 it is twice
larger
Correct article usage
the larger
show examples
 20%.
Secondly
,
Japan
's
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 is pretty similar to
Malaysia
's but there
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
difirences
Correct your spelling
differences
 between them
such
 as housing.
For example
Japan
's expenditures on 13% smaller
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
Malaysia
's.
Also
 health care in
Japan
twice
Add a missing verb
is twice
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 larger
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 in
Malaysia
.
Spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
Spending
show examples
 on food
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 24% and wastings
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other services is 29%.
To sum up
,
Japan
 was more even amongst departments than
Malaysia
 in 2010.
Although
 there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
commons
Fix the agreement mistake
common
show examples
 between those countries that Health care was the lowest number of all.
Submitted by Abdu.abetayev on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "such".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words spendings, japan, malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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