The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.

The chart below shows the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city center from 2003-2012.
The following pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
information about the percentage of
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
on different goods and services in two different countries
such
as
Japan
and
Malaysia
.
Overall
,
it is clear that
the most of expenditures come to housing in
Malaysia
whereas
in
Japan
the least comes to health care.
Firstly
, we are able to notice that one
thirds
Change to a singular noun
third
show examples
of total
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
in
Malaysia
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
to housing making it 34%
then
food is
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second place involving 27% out of 100%. In
Malaysia
transport's percentage is 10%
while
in
Japan
it is twice
larger
Correct article usage
the larger
show examples
20%.
Secondly
,
Japan
's
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
is pretty similar to
Malaysia
's but there
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
difirences
Correct your spelling
differences
between them
such
as housing.
For example
Japan
's expenditures on 13% smaller
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
Malaysia
's.
Also
health care in
Japan
twice
Add a missing verb
is twice
show examples
larger
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
in
Malaysia
.
Spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
Spending
show examples
on food
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
24% and wastings
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
other services is 29%.
To sum up
,
Japan
was more even amongst departments than
Malaysia
in 2010.
Although
there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
commons
Fix the agreement mistake
common
show examples
between those countries that Health care was the lowest number of all.
Submitted by Abdu.abetayev on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "such".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words spendings, japan, malaysia with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: