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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#people #states #time #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The line graph compares and contrasts five different ways ,
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 older citizens in the USA utilised their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 , which were measured in percentage over a 20-
year
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 period from 1980 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
 , watching tv was the popular activity that most elderly people did in their free
time
Use synonyms
 .
Whereas
Linking Words
 , after some years it was surpassed by hiking.
Firstly
Linking Words
 , around 60% of older people were into watching television in the initial
year
Use synonyms
 and
Correct pronoun usage
this
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remained stable until 2000 .
However
Linking Words
, after ,that it experienced a moderate drop in
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 rating and reached approximately 65% in the final
year
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
, surfing
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media was the most unlikely leisure
time
Use synonyms
 activity for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 in 1980, which was only a minority.
By contrast
Linking Words
 , after 10 years
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 popularity leapt slightly to 12% in 2000 and constituted almost
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half in 2010. Surprisingly, hiking made up a significant surge throughout the
year
Use synonyms
 ,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
surpassed television after 2000 , and reached a peak of 80% in the latter
year
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, both theatre and reading comprised some fluctuations until 2000.
By contrast
Linking Words
, after ,that the popularity of reading soared dramatically and reached 60% in 2010.
While
Linking Words
 , for ,theatre it was almost 42% in the
last
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by varshajose345 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "by contrast, whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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