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Band 6.5

Today children are surrounded by electronic devices such as personal computers, tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. What are advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

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Day after day technology is improving and its influence on people's
life
Use synonyms
also
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 is dramatically rising. Nowadays , teenagers are surrounded by electronics like computers , laptops and mobile phones and they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 able to use them at too young ages. The following essay will specify both the disadvantages and the advantages of
such
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 a phenomenon. On the one hand , there are several benefits of being aware of how to use electronic devices at a very early age.
Firstly
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 ,
this
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 change in minors'
life
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 ensures humanity's improvement of understanding of technology.
For example
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 ,our grandparents and our ancients had no knowledge of how to use electronics,
whereas
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 even teenagers can create an amazing programme,
consequently
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, in
this
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 way, humanity will achieve more and more attaintments in
this
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 field. Another advantage of the given phenomenon is the opportunity of
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
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life
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 by being surrounded by computers and laptops.
In other words
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, it is obviously easy to find out the necessary information in a couple of seconds
in contrast
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 to the past , when it was a hard process which included certain hours of sitting in front of books.
On the other hand
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 , nobody can't deny the existence of certain drawbacks. The most important disadvantage of children's
life
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 with technology is its harm. Health is a paramount item among the belongings of the children.
Therefore
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 the negative effect of electronic devices is their danger to the minor's well-being. Various health diseases and eyesight issues are clear examples of the disadvantages .
Secondly
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, by spending plenty number of time on laptops or computers youngsters will destroy their personal abilities and skills.
For instance
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 , their communication skill suffers because of the lack of
spent
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apply
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time with others, and the destruction of concentration will be caused by some social media like TikTok and Instagram.
To conclude
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 , despite all of the drawbacks
such
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 as health problems and loss of concentration, I think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a single central idea and that idea is clearly expressed in the topic sentence.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay. Avoid overusing similar connectors.
task achievement
Ensure that examples provided are directly relevant to the point being discussed and are detailed enough to support the argument.
task achievement
Watch out for minor grammatical mistakes and refine sentence structures for clarity and variety.
task achievement
Conclude by summarizing the most important points rather than simply restating your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Clear structure with separate paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view with both advantages and disadvantages well-covered.
task achievement
Appropriate use of examples to illustrate points.
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