IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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There has been growing debate and controversy surrounding religious education. Some assert that introducing
this
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 is favourable
while
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 others argue that it is not.
Although
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 that curriculum could provide
students
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 with a deep understanding, I strongly agree with the latter point of view because it might brainwash their minds, resulting in unfavourable happenings
such
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 as murder. On the one hand, proponents of introducing religion classes believe that
students
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 are likely to develop well-rounded knowledge bases.
For instance
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, teachers can teach a wide range of religious information including its history and belief through
such
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 lectures for certain years. Actually,
this
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 environment is preferred for
students
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 in order to deep dive into it,
according to
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 a report from The University of Tokyo.
However
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, if some who already believed in a specific belief because of their family, were taught a different religion in lectures,
this
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 would be a risk or meaningless time.
Therefore
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, it is not easy to implement
this
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 class as a school subject.
On the other hand
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, I believe that religious education could highly affect
students
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' ideas or thoughts.
In other words
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, there are some possibilities that
this
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 type of lecture might lead to brainwashing them. In fact, recent research conducted by The University of Tokyo discovered that what individuals had
learnt
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learned
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 before
being
Verb problem
becoming
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 an adult strongly affected their perspectives. If religious education was driven by a teacher whose thought was antisocial, it would negatively impact his
students
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, which might cause serious incidents in the future.
Thus
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,
this
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 kind of curriculum should be avoided in schooling systems. In conclusion,
Whereas
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 teaching regions in schools has positive effects to some extent, I firmly believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
This
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 is because
such
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 classes would determine individuals' perspectives and there is a risk that they might trigger undesired incidents.

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clarity
Try to elaborate more explicitly the main points in the body paragraphs. Although it was understandable, the arguments could be clearer if they were laid out more directly.
evidence
Ensure that supporting examples are directly relevant and strongly support the argument being made. The link between religious education and events like murder wasn't explored in depth.
vocabulary
Avoid repeating phrases like 'this kind of' or 'this type of'. It will enhance the range of language used in the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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