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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In recent years, humans are monitored in every aspect through advanced technologies like mobile tracking devices and night vision
camera
Fix the agreement mistake
cameras
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.
Although
Linking Words
 these
inventions
Change noun form
inventions'
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 main purpose was to focus on
people
Change noun form
people's
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security
Use synonyms
, some feel that they have lost their personal space. I believe the positives of
this
Linking Words
 advancement
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 more
weightage
Replace the word
weight
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 than its negatives.
To begin
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 with, the rate at which
the
Correct article usage
apply
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crimes are being solved nowadays using
these technology
Change the determiner
this technology
these technologies
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is quite surprising.
In addition
Linking Words
,
security
Use synonyms
 departments state that ninety
percentage
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percent
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 of child trafficking cases are seemingly solved with the
assist
Replace the word
assistance
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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live cameras
in
Change preposition
on
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 all possible highways and streets of cities and towns. To illustrate, a 10 years old girl in my community was recently kidnapped, on her way back
to
Change preposition
apply
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home from school. The officer who was investigating
this
Linking Words
 case
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 able to track down the vehicle, the criminals were driving within 6 hours by looking at the
security
Use synonyms
 cameras outside the child school campus. In my view, the government should encourage its citizens to enable live cameras on every lane for their own
security
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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, the government is having a separate department to monitor
nation threatening
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nation-threatening
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 phone calls, so that they can stop a catastrophic event beforehand.
For example
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, In
India
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,India
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 there was a recent bomb threat that was about to occur in Mumbai.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
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 the daily news
stating
Wrong verb form
stated
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 that the investigation officers were able to get an insight
about
Change preposition
into
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this
Linking Words
 unpleasant event, that was about to occur
while
Linking Words
 they were monitoring
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 suspicious calls.
This
Linking Words
 eventually helped them to give the concerned officials an
heads up
Add a hyphen
heads-up
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,
thus
Linking Words
 preventing
such
Linking Words
catastrophic
Correct article usage
a catastrophic
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 event from happening. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Use synonyms
security related
Add a hyphen
security-related
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 technological advancement has significant importance globally, eventually providing a sense of safety for its people. Government can create awareness of the benefits of these technologies to its citizens
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that few might come out of the notion that their privacy is being invaded.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Surveillance
  • 2. Monitoring
  • 3. Cell phone tracking
  • 4. Security cameras
  • 5. Public safety
  • 6. Law enforcement
  • 7. Privacy concerns
  • 8. Personal freedom
  • 9. Autonomous
  • 10. Breach of trust
  • 11. Misuse of information
  • 12. Institutional integrity
  • 13. Psychological impact
  • 14. Mental well-being
  • 15. Societal trust
  • 16. Paranoia
  • 17. Transparency
  • 18. Stringent regulations
  • 19. Criminal deterrence
  • 20. Apprehension of criminals
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