IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart details the percentage of Australia's population in terms of their place of birth, while the table shows where these people lived.

The pie chart details the percentage of Australia's population in terms of their place of birth, while the table shows where these people lived.
#percentage #australia #population #terms #place #birth #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie chart shows the percentage of Australia’s population in terms of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
place of birth.
While
Linking Words
 the table graph illustrates the place in which these
people
Use synonyms
 reside.
Overall
Linking Words
, the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 who are living in Australia were born in
this
Linking Words
 nation as well.
In addition
Linking Words
,
urban
Add an article
the urban
an urban
show examples
 area is considered to be the place where residents prefer to live in. Concerning the pie chart, Australia is the birthplace in which
accounts
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for the largest proportion at 73%. There
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
14% of
people
Use synonyms
 were born in other countries which is twice as much as that in
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom.
However
Linking Words
, New Zealand, China and
Netherland
Fix the agreement mistake
Netherlands
show examples
 are very small
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 which take up only 6% combined. Turning to the second set of data, standing at 99% of residents born in China living in cities is much higher than the proportion of
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
, Australia and
Correct article usage
the Netherland
show examples
Netherland
Fix the agreement mistake
Netherlands
show examples
 consisting of 89%, 83%,
90
Correct word choice
and 90
show examples
% respectively. New Zealand is the birthplace with the greatest proportion
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 living in the outskirt at 20%
Submitted by joyce.ta213 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 80%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: