IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money, while others think money does not guarantee happiness. Dicuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #money #guarantee #happiness #dicuss
Plenty of the population believes in the fact that capital is the greatest factor to live a joyful life, without ,wealth it is impossible for individuals to spend an extravagant living.
However
, others think only wealth is not enough to guarantee a meaningful life and there should be other characteristics that play a significant role
to deliver
Change preposition
in delivering
show examples
 a fortunate existence.
Moreover
,
this
 essay will dictate both sides followed by a
judgement
Correct your spelling
judgment
show examples
. Nowadays, money brings a lot of security and offers the crowd the power to purchase anything which sets their materialistic objectives. To elaborate, individuals do not have to think deeply before purchasing a product that satisfies their aspirations.
For instance
, if a person wants to procure a car to provide comfort to himself
as well as
 his family members, in that scenario the process of buying a vehicle would require a certain amount of
riches
Correct your spelling
rich
show examples
 money to purchase that car which would eventually be made for the whole clan
cheerful
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
, a plethora of human beings
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that apart from cash, mental and physical health are the two key pillars that are more vital to keep a person cheerful in the long run.
In addition
,
this
 community suggest that even if a person is rich with monetary success, he should be physically sound or mentally stable to enjoy the kind of cash he has earned. To cite an example, "Rakesh Jhunjhunwala" was one of the richest billionaire investors in India with enormous capital, he was capable enough to buy everything he desired with his currency, but
due to
 physical ,
illness
Add a comma
illness,
show examples
 he could not enjoy the fortune that he built working all those decades.
To conclude
, in my view, there must be a balance between earning capital and self-development. Meanwhile, all of us must focus on opportunities from where we could generate income
as well as
 keep a check on our family members and friends.
Also
, exercising and meditating regularly would keep us living a prosperous life.
Submitted by madhur.bathla on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic, and fully develop each point.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider variety of transition words and linking expressions to improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: