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Band 5

Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves.

#people #health #care #education #responsibility #government #individuals
Many individuals argue that the most efficient method to cultivate
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
health
 is by supporting no-charge
health
care
,
while
 others believe that paying more money for
health
education
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
 by authorities is more significant. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both
view-points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
 in-depth and explain why the latter assertion is more compelling. On the one hand, those who advocate for providing
no payment
Add a hyphen
no-payment
show examples
health
care
 agree that many
patients
 could access the medical system without having any anxiety about the treatment fee. To encourage people
go
Add the particle
to go
show examples
 to hospitals more, governments could pay annually cost for citizens to be treated in terms of
health
.
Thus
, they could receive
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 service from verified clinics
instead
 of treating
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unqualified ones
due to
 the cost they have to pay for their treatments.
Moreover
, they would pay more attention more on their
health
 and listen carefully
Change preposition
to advices
show examples
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
 from
doctors
, which increases the quality of
health
 in society.
However
,
this
 measure could cost a massive amount of
state
Correct article usage
the state
show examples
 budget to deal with.
On the other hand
, proponents for prioritizing and investing in
health
education
 believe that educating about
health
 has many potential benefits.
Doctors
 who learn more about
health
 would have a massive amount of knowledge about their fields, and become more skillful to deal with risky diseases.
Besides
, investing more
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
health
education
 could provide more up-to-date medical devices for
doctors
 to practice during their courses and allow them to access the most modern medical technology in the world to treat their
patients
 as well.
For example
, to face up to COVID-19, many medical staffs in Vietnam studied abroad and bought the newest medical devices to produce vaccines to treat
patients
 who suffered from
this
 disease. In conclusion,
while
 many individuals believe that providing
no payment
Add a hyphen
no-payment
show examples
health
care
 could allow people to access qualified
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 services, I concur that prioritizing
health
education
 has more potential merits including developing
doctors
' skills and owning up-to-date medical technology to treat
patients
. Mark that essay based on IELT band score descriptors
Submitted by thanhvinhdoi338 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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