Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Nowadays, a large number of
children
across the world  have an unhealthy manner of living.
While
some people think that tackling
this
problem is the responsibility of both school teachers and
parents
, I totally agree with that point because of  a variety of reasons.    
To begin
with, it is essential to consider some problems which are associated with an unhealthy lifestyle and lack of physical exercise.
This
is because more and more pupils have some bad  habits
such
as eating junk food, being unwilling to do exercises , surfing the internet for many hours or watching online games.
Moreover
, it leads to suffering from obesity and other health  issues. Admittedly, teachers and
parents
can play a crucial role in order to avoid having a poor hearth among young pupils.
Also
, there is a huge amount of resources which can be available at the school's disposal.
For example
, compulsory physical training sessions could be used for students
for doing
Change preposition
to do
show examples
sports and active gymnastics regularly.        In terms of caretakers, especially
parents
have a strong sense of responsibility towards their
children
.
For instance
, in general,
children
of all ages have to follow a proper diet and get adequate sleep constantly. For these reasons, family members should provide young
children
with homemade foods which are  comprised of nutrition and essential ingredients. It helps to grow healthy and mature.
Furthermore
,
parents
should attend sports events and activities in order to encourage their
children
to do the same thing.   
To sum up
, both teachers and
parents
play an important role in easing common issues of obesity and sedentary lifestyle. I do believe that these problems will be solved if the school administrations and caregivers fulfil their own duties and missions.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion should be more distinct and provide a clearer summarization of the main points. Use topic sentences in each body paragraph to improve coherence.
task achievement
The response addresses the task to a certain extent but lacks detail in some areas. The ideas need to be expressed with more clarity and depth to fully respond to the prompt.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary and uses a variety of relevant words. Work on using more precise and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay shows a reasonable control of grammar and complex structures. However, some errors are present, and a more varied range of sentence structures could be beneficial.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: