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Band 6

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
Nowadays some
people
 argue that in
this
 era,
people
 are more relying on each other
while
 other
people
 thought that we are
self-sufficient
Correct quantifier usage
more self-sufficient
show examples
 ever than before. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both sides and give my opinion
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
further
. On the one hand, it is true that
people
 are depending on their family or close ones. Because living cost has increased dramatically these days,
for
this
 reason, parents tend to help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngsters
buying
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 accommodation or
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
mortgage
Add an article
a mortgage
show examples
 which they may find hard.
For instance
, In Ireland,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
average house cost is approximately more than 300,000 euro which is
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 amount for fresh
graduate
Fix the agreement mistake
graduates
show examples
 or new workers. Another reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 dependence is technological rocketing development
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days. To put it another way, elderly
people
 can not keep up with fast technology blooming
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as adults and teenagers.
As a consequence
, they rely on their children and grandchildren.
On the other hand
, there is
also
another
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
three reason we are independent in the whole historical time. First of all, globalization is spreading more and more,
as a result
, young adults tend to study in another country, which is more suitable for
career
Correct pronoun usage
their career
show examples
, compared to local universities. It will help them grow as a self-reliable person in future. In the second place, technology makes us can work alone and
also
 from any part of the world,
moreover
, technological gadgets are helping
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us to not count on others
do
Fix the infinitive
to do
show examples
 house jobs,
such
 as washing machine, dishwasher and electric vacuum.
Lastly
, human beings have
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
show examples
 family circle compared to the other centuries, which is lowering
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
people
 who can depend on
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them.
To sum up
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 points we can see that now humankind is much more
relying
Replace the word
reliant
show examples
 on others, whilst, from my point of view, we are definitely
self- sufficient
Correct your spelling
self-sufficient
show examples
 all the more.
Submitted by llbayarmaa on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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