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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some parents believe that their children should do extra-curricular activities after school. Others say in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Although
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 it is sometimes thought that
children
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 ought to be encouraged to take part in extracurricular
activities
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 after school hours, others believe that
such
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activities
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 can lead to pressure. In my opinion,
children
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 should do extracurricular
activities
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 because they can help them greatly in many ways. On the one hand,
according to
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 some,
children
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 who do extracurricular
activities
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 can develop their character, and I agree.
In other words
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, extracurricular
activities
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 help
students
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 to be more responsible individuals.
For example
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, when some
children
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 do charity work as a school project, they will take on some difficult positions, and they will be accountable for their tasks and solve them in the best way.
As a result
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,
this
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 can benefit them greatly, especially when they start working.
Moreover
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, unlike extracurricular
activities
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, academic subjects do not teach important skills, namely social skills and teamwork.
On the other hand
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, some people may claim that extracurricular
activities
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 can put
children
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 under pressure. When
students
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 are forced to take part in extracurricular
activities
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, it is difficult for them to focus on two things, and
this
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 is bad for their health.
For instance
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, in Korea, most of the
students
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 are overloaded with homework, and because of
this
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, it is impossible for them to complete their tasks when they have to be at school doing other
activities
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.
Therefore
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, if the
students
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 join extracurricular
activities
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, they often feel tired, which can impact their performance in their homework completion. Another reason is that
students
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 should focus on their academic subjects, and by joining these
activities
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, they may ignore the importance of getting good results.
To sum up
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,
while
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 people may vary in their opinions, I think that
students
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 ought to do extracurricular
activities
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 as they can help them greatly in many ways, especially in their future lives.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, when discussing the impact of extracurricular activities on character development, you could mention specific types of activities or notable outcomes from students who participate.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses its specific point. While your ideas are mostly clear, reinforcing the connection between paragraphs can improve the overall flow of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your conclusion, you might want to summarize the key points made in support of your opinion more explicitly to strengthen your final statement.
Task Achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your language is generally clear and coherent, making your points easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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