IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think hospitals should spend money on buying the latest equipment. Others think it is better to spend money on employing more doctors and nurses. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Some people assert that medical centres should allocate their budget to purchase advanced machinery,
whereas
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 others contend that they should spend their funds on hiring more professionals,
such
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 as doctors and nurses.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and will conclude with personal viewpoints. First and foremost, one compelling argument supporting the former is that state-of-the-art devices can provide accurate and immediate diagnoses to the public, which can save more lives than hospitals with conventional medical
technology
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. To clarify, even though experts gain greater therapeutic competencies and knowledge, the latest machinery can exceed their skills, since these products can accumulate ample data based on professional experiences, leading to well-sophisticated results.
Therefore
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, it is valuable for medical institutions to invest in advanced
technology
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.
On the other hand
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,
while
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 some argue that it is true that the advent of advanced
technology
Use synonyms
 is pivotal, it is
also
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 important to prepare more workforce at hospitals. Specifically, countries facing a shrinking and ageing population,
such
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 as Japan, might have to prioritize the workforce over advanced healthcare systems. To illustrate, it is widely acknowledged that,
due to
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 the lack of medical professionals,
such
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 nations have struggled with operating healthcare systems, especially in the countryside.
As a result
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,
this
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 situation has generated a medical disparity between people in urban areas and those in rural ones, meaning that the shortage of doctors and nurses can lead to an inequitable
society
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, even though both of them have contributed to
society
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 by paying taxes.
Hence
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, to enhance
this
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 inequity, it is essential to divert funding to employ more medical staff. In conclusion,
while
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 preparing cutting-edge
technology
Use synonyms
 is vital to increase the potential to save lives in
society
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, hiring medical employees is crucial to
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 an equitable
society
Use synonyms
 to the public. In my opinion, governments should consider their national situations and align with the public needs as much as possible.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your intention to discuss both views. However, consider refining it to make a stronger thesis statement that clearly indicates your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments are generally well-organized, but some points could be expanded for clarity and depth. Including more specific examples could strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words or phrases to enhance the flow of your ideas. This will improve clarity and make your essay easier to follow.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view of the topic by discussing both sides, which is commendable. This shows critical thinking and an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments are logically structured, moving from one point to another in a coherent manner. This improves the readability of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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