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Band 4.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#children #difference #right #age #punishment #distinction
One of the widely discussed problems nowadays is
knowledge
Correct article usage
the knowledge
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 of
children
 about
difference
Add an article
the difference
show examples
 between what is right and wrong in
contemporary
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the contemporary
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 world. Now people are beginning to realize that punishment is necessary to help
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation to have better
behavior
. Personally, I tend to think that
punishments
 will help
children
 to become more polite in the
future
 and help them to not
becoming
Change the form of the verb
become
show examples
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
.
Firstly
, it is well known that there are
plethora
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a plethora
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 of ways of punishment and different parents use different methods how to bring up their
children
. Without
punishments
Add a comma
punishments,
show examples
children
 may have different issues in the
future
 related to their
behavior
.
According to
 the recent Istanbul University research families that
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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 use
punishments
 as
way
Add an article
a way
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 of bringing up their
children
, have more problems related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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grades and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school. What I mean here is that
punishments
 can be very effective if they are used in the right way. One of the main reasons behind
this
 is
children
’s psychology. If
children
 do not meet
resistants
Fix the agreement mistake
resistance
show examples
 from their parents,
then
 they will do bad things more often. A good case in point is data from research
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
UN
Correct article usage
the UN
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 which proves that
children
 who
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 not punished in their childhood become criminals
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
20 per cent more often.
On the other hand
, it can
also
 be argued that
vast
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the vast
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 majority of
Correct article usage
the world
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world
Change noun form
world's
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 successful people were punished for their bad habits in the past. It
is mean
Wrong verb form
means
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 that
punishments
 help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 to be more responsible for their actions. If
child
Add an article
a child
the child
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 can be responsible for his actions
then
 in the
future
 he will have strong discipline. Take
for example
 Cristiano Ronaldo who had really bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood.
However
,
due to
 his father’s
punishments
 now we can see one go the greatest
sportsman
Fix the agreement mistake
sportsmen
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 who set and
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
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 his goals by using motivation and discipline. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
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 taking everything mentioned into account in our final
analysis
Add a comma
analysis,
show examples
 we can say that
punishments
 are necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
. Since it will help them to be more responsible and help to not
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 in the
future
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Provide more detailed and varied supporting examples to substantiate your arguments. Current examples are good but somewhat limited in scope.
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Expand on your ideas more thoroughly. Some points are introduced but not fully explored or explained.
coherence cohesion
The introduction nicely sets the stage for your argument and clearly states your position, which is good for engaging the reader.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant and specific examples, such as the research and mentions of famous individuals, which help ground the points being made.
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