IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed when they are used as money-making machines aimed at tourists, other people believes that it is the only way to save such traditions in the world today. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

#people #traditions #machines #tourists #world
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, the argument over whether using cultural
traditions
Use synonyms
 as money-making attractions for tourists leads to their destruction or is the key to their preservation has not been settled yet. On the one hand, when
traditions
Use synonyms
 are developed as commodities to attract tourists, there is a risk of losing their essence. With regard to the former, Traditional practices and rituals may be altered or simplified to meet the demands of the increasing amount of tourism, and
therefore
Linking Words
 dilute the significance of these traditional cultures.
Moreover
Linking Words
, attaching too much commercial value to these traditional cultures will obscure their meaning and value, and transform them into simple entertainment. All of these would probably lead to the destruction of traditional culture.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, making money from traditional culture could provide essential financial support for their maintenance and inheritance. To be specific, the income generated can be used to get conservation efforts, support local communities that uphold these
traditions
Use synonyms
, and set up local educational programs to pass on the knowledge and skills to future generations.
In addition
Linking Words
, tourism could increase the popularity of these
traditions
Use synonyms
, and raise awareness about the importance of these
traditions
Use synonyms
, not only among visitors but
also
Linking Words
 among the local population, fostering a sense of cultural self-confidence and the determination to preserve them.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
traditions
Use synonyms
 could survive and be inherited. In my opinion, I believe that people should ideally find a middle ground between letting them become too commodified to make money and using money to keep them survive.
Submitted by 2575444164 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

conclusion
Ensure that the conclusion is more detailed and offers a clear summary of the points discussed. A strong conclusion can effectively tie together the arguments presented.
examples
Provide specific examples to strengthen the arguments. Specific examples can give more weight to your points, making the essay more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument comprehensively, demonstrating a clear understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure and coherence are evident, as the essay flows well from one point to another, maintaining a clear line of thought.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported, though additional specific examples could further strengthen the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: