IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disaddvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation #disaddvantages
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the era of globalization, it has been observed that quite a few nations have a higher number of adults
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
younger age rather than elder ones, which certainly has potential benefits like increased man-power, and economic output, which outweighs the drawback of lacking
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proper
advise
Replace the word
advice
show examples
, guidance etc., In my view, the advantage outweighs the disadvantages, because the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
 could be tackled with proper strategy planning etc., The essay ponders
further
Linking Words
 on
this
Linking Words
 note. On the one hand, countries with young
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
, are poised for growth and prosperity.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the high number of younger crowd would put more people in the workforce,
this
Linking Words
 would boost the local and national economy.
Secondly
Linking Words
, less number of elderly people would mean, reduced impact on the health care system. To quote an example,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
, in countries like Europe is high,
due to
Linking Words
 the increased proportion of people,
in
Change preposition
under
show examples
 the age of 60 and above.
Finally
Linking Words
, there would be lesser disbursal of retirement benefits, going out from the national pension system, which would result in the accumulation of
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 pool of money, which could be made available to the government, to spend on other productive
initatives
Correct your spelling
initiatives
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of seniors may result in actions, without proper guidance and supervision, which would impact
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society negatively. Rather than books, a rich experience is a lifetime learning, which is much
powerful
Correct quantifier usage
more powerful
show examples
 and may be lacking, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals these days and they may take hasty decisions. To cite an example, in countries like India where there is a balanced mix of generations exist, seniors in the household always guide their wards on timely
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 and put them on
Correct article usage
the right-track
show examples
right-track
Correct your spelling
right track
show examples
. But with the technological advances today, there are online forums, from which one could get solutions.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the immense benefit of having today's generation boosts the economic prosperity of a nation, increased GDP output,
lesser
Correct word choice
and lesser
show examples
 burden on the healthcare and pension system. These positive points outweigh the negative points about not having elders to advise or channel in the right direction,
due to
Linking Words
advent
Correct article usage
the advent
show examples
 of internet technologies,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 could be sorted out.
Submitted by rrsuryae on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: