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Band 6.5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents #side
Some folks assume that the administrative authorities are responsible for the soaring of overweight in the young generation,
In contrast
, there is some notion which the source of
this
 drawback is the
parents
. In
this
 essay I intend to discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
both views ,
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 I personally believe both of them have an important position. On the one hand, there are those who subscribe to the view that the
government
 has a decisive factor
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 increasing the number of children who have
a
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apply
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overweight.
On
Correct your spelling
One
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 of the important cause for growing
this
 problem is
lack
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the lack
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physical
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of physical
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 and outdoor activities
especially
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,especially
show examples
in
Change preposition
among
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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young people. They insist that if the
government
 provide enough amenities for
out door
Correct your spelling
outdoor
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 activity, the majority of
young
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the young
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 generation will encourage to use
that facilities
Change the determiner
that facility
those facilities
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.
Hence
, it is
higly
Correct your spelling
highly
 beneficial for dropping the overweight of them because in that case children
instead
 of staying at home and surfing
in
Change preposition
on
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 the internet or social media,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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would rather go out and burn their
caleries
Correct your spelling
calories
.
On the other hand
, many commentators justifiably argue that we are unable to not consider the several effects of
parents
for
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on
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this
 issue.
Base
Wrong verb form
Based
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 on the
last
 research, more than 90% of food
cunsopmtion
Correct your spelling
consumption
 which children eat provides at home.
Consequently
Add a comma
,Consequently
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 if these
feed
Fix the agreement mistake
feeds
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be
Change the verb form
is
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 healthy with
lower
Add an article
a lower
the lower
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amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of sugar, fat or sodium, the amount of obesity decline dramatically in the long run
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 the young generation.
Furthermore
, the
parents
 are able to calculate
Correct article usage
the caleries
show examples
caleries
Correct your spelling
calories
 of the body burn in daily activities and
then
 they cover just that amount with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy food and not more than needed. In conclusion, It
seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 to me both
government
 and
parents
 have a particular effect
for
Change preposition
on
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this
 happening. The
government
 should provide enough facilities for
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
also
, the
parents
 must cook enough food with healthy products.
Submitted by amirhsina on

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