IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #people #countries #adults #governments #money
Some
people
 think that it is more important to prioritize the
education
 of
adults
 with low
education
 over the
education
 of young
people
 and that the government should invest more money in
this
 area. In my opinion,
while
 the government should assist uneducated
adults
, it should not be a priority, particularly over educating young
people
. On the one hand, the progress of a
country
 or nation depends on the
education
 of the next generation.
In other words
, young
people
 are particularly important to the development of the
country
, and the thoughts of contemporary young
people
 will affect the direction of the
country
 in the next 20 to 30 years.
For example
, Liang Qichao, the leader of the Reform Movement of 1898 in the late Qing Dynasty, once said, "A strong youth makes a
country
 strong." During the signing of the Treaty of Versailles after the First World War, Germany, the defeated
country
, handed over Shandong, which should belong to China, to Japan.
This
 led to the outbreak of the May 4th Movement in China, and the main force of the demonstrations were young students. These two examples fully illustrate that the
education
 of young
people
 will affect the future development of the
country
.
Adults
,
on the other hand
, are
also
 a part of the state. Their role is to pass on experience in different areas of knowledge to younger generations. It is their responsibility to ensure a peaceful transition from the older generation to the younger generation.
Additionally
, the proportion of young
people
 in each
country
 is significantly greater than the proportion of illiterate
adults
. If the focus of
education
 is changed to educating
adults
 who cannot read and write, it may change the
country
's economy and destiny. All in all,
although
adults
 play a pivotal role in society, it does not make sense to spend a lot of money on them.
However
, equal action for children is justified because of their potential to change the fortunes of nations. So, I still strongly disagree with
this
 statement.
Submitted by y2083749065 on

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introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be expanded to provide a clearer overview of the essay.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is strong. The main points are well-developed and supported with relevant examples.
lexical resource
Good range of vocabulary used throughout the essay. However, more academic vocabulary could be used to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar with only minor errors. However, more complex sentence structures could be used to showcase a wider grammatical range.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • literacy programs
  • functional illiteracy
  • social mobility
  • inter-generational poverty
  • workforce development
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • public health
  • civic participation
  • resource allocation
  • national development
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