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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart below gives information about the amount of time children spend with their parents.

the chart below gives information about the amount of time children spend with their parents.
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The bar graphs depict information about how much
time
Use synonyms
 juveniles spend with their family members on weekdays and
weekends
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, on weekdays, the highest amounts of
time
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children spend with their
Use synonyms
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 on
weekends
Use synonyms
, they often prefer to spend with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, on weekdays, o-1 aged toddlers spend almost 9
hours
Use synonyms
both
Change preposition
with both
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
 and mostly with their
mother
Use synonyms
 around 5
hours
Use synonyms
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. In the case of 2-3
age
Use synonyms
 of children spend approximately 6
hours
Use synonyms
 with their
mother
Use synonyms
 only and 1.5
hours
Use synonyms
 with both
mother
Use synonyms
 and father 0.7
hours
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 with dad. The numbers of
time
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 spend with their all family members near about 8
hours
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
collectively.
In the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 6-7 and 8-9
age
Use synonyms
 groups, spend similar
time
Use synonyms
 separately with their
mom
Use synonyms
 and dad and nearly 3
hours
Use synonyms
 with their
parents
Use synonyms
. Moving
further
Linking Words
, on the
weekends
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, o-1
age
Use synonyms
 of children spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their
mom
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 accounted for nearly 8
hours
Use synonyms
 and with
mom
Use synonyms
 less than 1 hour. Another all
age
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
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 spend the majority of with both
mom
Use synonyms
 and father on Sunday and Saturday
along with
Linking Words
 being accompanied by father
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is almost 14
hours
Use synonyms
 on
weekends
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. Surprisingly, spending
time
Use synonyms
 with
mom
Use synonyms
 is less popular.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "that is".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, weekends, mother, parents, hours, age, mom with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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