IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
Nowadays, we are all affected by environmental and housing pollution problems.
Therefore
, there is a lot of discussion around the issue that the
government
 should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing issues to help prevent disease. The following are the reasons why I agree and provide some information in
this
 essay. Environmental pollution is no longer strange to us because today it has reached its peak and its impact on humans. Every day, hundreds of lives are lost and the cause is
due to
 daily human activities.
For example
, today's vegetable and fruit farmers are no longer unfamiliar with the use of pesticides or stimulants to prevent damage to fruit that makes
people
 sick when they eat it.
Although
 the
government
 has a policy of reducing taxes and encouraging settlement by conducting annual inspections,
this
 action still occurs frequently. If efforts are made to prevent these activities, many
people
 will be saved from unnecessary diseases.
Besides
, the problem of homelessness among
people
 is
also
 an issue that deserves attention.
People
 who do not have a place to live
force
Wrong verb form
are forced
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to sleep on the sidewalk, causing their health to deteriorate and causing illness.
For example
, in the US, there are countless homeless
people
 who do not have a house to live in, so they have to sleep. in the sewer to avoid getting cold, but
that is
 the reason why pathogens can easily multiply.
Although
 the
government
 has policies to reduce the number of homeless
people
, they are still not really effective. So, the
government
 should focus and
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 their lives. The above shows us that the
government
 should focus on improving the quality of life for
people
 in the best way ​
Submitted by sinh.ielts on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates basic logical structuring with a discernible progression of ideas, but transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve the flow. Ensure each paragraph flows naturally to the next, using cohesive devices effectively.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are required in the essay, but they need to be more clearly defined. The introduction should present the topic and your viewpoint clearly, while the conclusion should effectively summarize the arguments made and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
Main points are present but may benefit from more development and supporting examples. Work on expanding your ideas and connecting them back to the main argument to strengthen your essay.
task achievement
The response partially fulfills the task requirements but should thoroughly answer the question posed. Make sure to directly address the extent to which you agree or disagree and clearly develop your argument in relation to this.
task achievement
Ideas presented are understandable but should be expressed more comprehensively. Work on clarity by defining key terms and concepts and elaborating on how they specifically relate to the question.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and demonstrate an understanding of the topic in greater depth.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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