IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree

#people #idea #work
It is a common argument on whether geriatric should continue working if capable. In my view, I agree with them because it keeps them fit and they can fend for themselves.
This
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be discussed in detail in the next paragraphs.
Firstly
, I believe if elderly people work it would help them to stay healthy. It is a stage in their life that they need to exercise briskly rather than staying in one place doing nothing which may cause health problems like obesity
due to
 their sedentary lifestyle. Doing activities like washing clothing, and picking fruits in the garden can help them exercise their back muscles which may prevent stiffness, a medical condition
that is
 very common among seniors. Research carried out in South Africa Teaching Hospital indicates that 40% of the pensioners are being managed for chronic back, a disease that could have been prevented if they were still in the labour force.
Hence
, the
need
Correct article usage
a need
show examples
 to continue working in old age.
Secondly
, If elders are allowed to work they will be able to cater for their basic needs. Most children nowadays do not look after their parents because they
felt
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 they have their own responsibility and cannot support them with money.
Furthermore
, most of our retirees are yet to receive their gratuity from the government and they need to make both ends meet in other to survive.
As a result
, they need to engage in petty trading that could bring money into their pockets.
To conclude
, without an iota of ,doubt I believe elders should continue working because of the vast health-related effects it has on their body system and the income it would
also
 generate
while
 waiting for the federal or state government to pay their gratuity to avoid going from house to house begging for food.
Submitted by asaoluolayemi5 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt. Develop each point with more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments effectively. Consider reorganizing the essay to improve the logical flow and transitions between ideas.
task response
Address the prompt more directly and provide a more balanced discussion by considering opposing viewpoints. Include more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the arguments. Focus on providing a more comprehensive and well-developed analysis of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: