Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction

Nowadays, large

amounts

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numbers

show examples

people

Use synonyms

devote most of their spare

time

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to their

smartphone

Fix the agreement mistake

smartphones

show examples

. There are several causes behind

this

Linking Words

phenomenon, and I believe it is largely a negative trend

overall

Linking Words

Body paragraph 1

One primary reason why smartphones dominate

people

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’s leisure

time

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is that

serve

Correct pronoun usage

they serve

show examples

as an all-in-one entertainment tool. A single phone allows users to chat with friends,

watching

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watch

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videos and browse social media, without needing individual equipment.

Besides

Linking Words

smartphone

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smartphones

show examples

also

Linking Words

satisfy

people

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’s social needs. Many

people

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keep checking messaging apps and social platforms to

connecting

Wrong verb form

connect

show examples

with friends,

while

Linking Words

keep to getting

Wrong verb form

keeping

show examples

up to date

news

Change preposition

with news

show examples

and online trends. Another factor is convenience. Smartphones are portable because they are small and can be used anytime, anywhere.

Body paragraph 2

Despite some minor benefits,

this

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trend brings more drawbacks.

Firstly

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, excessive screen

time

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tend

Correct subject-verb agreement

tends

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to harm physical health.

People

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who stare at screens for hours often suffer from eye

short-sighted

Correct word choice

strain

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and neck pain. Metal well-being can

also

Linking Words

suffer from the radiation generated by electronic devices. Long term exposure to radiation will decrease

people

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’s concentration when they are reading or writing.

Secondly

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over reliance

Correct your spelling

over-reliance

on digital communication weakens face-to-face social skills.

For instance

Linking Words

, many

people

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usually habitually browse their

phone

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phones

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while

Linking Words

shopping or eating with friends, rather than chatting with them.

This

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may lead to weakening a real life relationships.

Conclusion

In conclusion,

people

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spend

much

Correct determiner usage

a lot of

show examples

free

time

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smartphone

Check wording

smartphones

show examples

mainly for entertainment and social contact.

Although

Linking Words

phones bring convenience, I argue that

this

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is generally a negative development because of

its

Fix the agreement mistake

their

show examples

bad impacts on health and

real life

Correct your spelling

real-life

relationships.

acaitaz

Jul 10, 2023

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task response

Answer both parts in a clear way, as you do now. To make the answer stronger, explain each main reason more fully. For example, say why social media makes people check their phones again and again.

task response

Your view is clear: this is mostly a bad change. Add one short point about a good side, such as easy contact with family far away, then show clearly why the bad sides are greater.

task response

Use more real and clear examples. The example of people looking at phones while eating with friends is good. You could also give an example of a person staying up late to watch short videos and then feeling tired the next day.

coherence and cohesion

The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan. Make the link between ideas smoother with simple words such as “Also”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “However”.

coherence and cohesion

Make each paragraph focus on one main point. In the first body paragraph, keep entertainment, social contact, and ease of use as separate ideas, with one or two lines of support for each.

coherence and cohesion

Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar. For example, write “smartphones serve as an all-in-one tool”, “people use them to chat, watch videos, and browse social media”, and “people check apps to stay in touch and keep up with news”.

coherence and cohesion

Avoid repeating “people” and “smartphone” too often. You can use “users”, “these devices”, “they”, and “phones” when the meaning is clear.

task response

You give direct reasons for phone use: fun, social contact, and ease of use. These ideas fit the question well.

task response

Your opinion is clear from the start and remains the same through the end.

coherence and cohesion

The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

coherence and cohesion

The example about using a phone during meals or shopping helps show how online use can hurt real-life contact.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

253 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

screen time
digital addiction
instant gratification
multifunctional
connectivity
social networking
online services
self-expression
entertainment options
instant access
educational resources
communication tools
virtual interactions
distracted living
technological dependence

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Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this?

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Many people around the world use social media day to keep in touch with other people and new events. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?