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Band 6

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, many
people
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 spend a significant amount of
time
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 on their
phones
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. Since technological advances,
this
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 has become a common part of modern life because of the number of activities it offers. Even though
smartphones
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 provide many benefits, I believe that spending too much leisure
time
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 on them is a negative development. There are several reasons why
people
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 are so attached to their
smartphones
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. First of all,
phones
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 provide endless entertainment,
such
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 as social media, online games, videos, and music.
In addition
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, they allow
people
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 to communicate instantly with friends and family through messaging apps and video calls.
Therefore
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,
phones
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 can easily keep users occupied for hours.
Also
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,
smartphones
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 are useful for studying, reading the news, and shopping online, which makes everyday life easier for a student or a grown
man
Check wording
person
show examples
. So
phones
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 became an important part of life. Despite these advantages, I believe that excessive smartphone use has more negative than positive effects. One of the major problems is that
phones
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 reduce face-to-face communication.
Instead
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 of spending quality
time
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 with friends outside in the fresh air, many
people
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 choose to scroll through social media.
As a result
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, real-life relationships may become weaker.
As a result
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, teenagers spend long hours on their
phones
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instead
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 of studying, exercising, or developing useful hobbies. From here, start health problems like eye strain, poor posture, and sleep problems. In conclusion,
people
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 spend a great amount of free
time
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 on their
smartphones
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 because they are entertaining in many ways.
However
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, I believe
this
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 is a negative development because excessive smartphone use can damage
people
Use synonyms
's health and reduce the quality of their real-life relationships.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the reasons well, but your view on why this is negative can be a little more developed.
task response
Use one or two clear examples to support your ideas, such as how phone use affects study, sleep, or family time.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few sentences are too general. Try to explain each main point a bit more.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this strong structure.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words are used well in many places, but you repeat 'As a result' two times. Try to vary your linkers.
coherence and cohesion
A few sentences are not smooth, like 'From here, start health problems' and 'So phones became an important part of life.' Rewrite them in a clearer way.
task response
You answer both questions in the task and give a clear opinion.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow in a logical order.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • digital addiction
  • instant gratification
  • multifunctional
  • connectivity
  • social networking
  • online services
  • self-expression
  • entertainment options
  • instant access
  • educational resources
  • communication tools
  • virtual interactions
  • distracted living
  • technological dependence
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