IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education.To what extent do you agree? Please try to write at least 250 words.

#government #budget #arts #money #education
Nowadays, society considers that it is more efficient for communities to pay more attention to practical subjects than the arts,
due to
 the
fact
 that an
art
 degree cannot provide a stable job like a practical one. In
this
 essay, I will argue why
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should allocate more
money
 to
education
 than arts. In my opinion,
art
 can tell many things about a person, country or even a culture,
however
, as much as
art
 is one of the most discussed subjects, it does not have a huge impact on some folks. They consider
money
 is wasted in
this
 area and that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should allocate funds to different fields of
education
.
In addition
 to that, millions of
money
 are allocated for restoring paintings, buildings etc.
This
 only advantages the travel companies,
due to
 the
fact
 that a number of people who are interested in
art
 visit different countries or museums for their love of
art
.
On the other hand
, more
money
 should be provided to
education
, so that they can improve the educational system,which will allow students to benefit from a plethora of facilities that will decrease the number of school dropouts.
For example
, in Romania, there are thousands of students who prefer to drop out of school
due to
 the problems of the educational system or even leave the country to study abroad. If more
money
would be
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 allocated to
education
, eventually they would solve the issues that are leading to jobless people,
due to
 the
fact
 they do not on to higher
education
. In conclusion, the government should provide equal funds to both fields, owing to the
fact
 that both are crucial for the survival of society,
art
 can make you feel things like no other thing, and
education
 evolves the thinking of a person by learning new lessons about different subjects that will lead to the development of a community.
Submitted by annaungureanu794 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt and presents arguments both for and against the allocation of funds to arts and education. However, the arguments lack depth and development, and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but the organization could be improved by providing a stronger introduction and conclusion. Additionally, each paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence, and the flow of ideas could be enhanced.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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