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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the number of people (millions) that remain undernourished around the world from 2000 to 2009. The chart displays the global price of two food grains over the same period. Summarise the data by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table shows the number of people (millions) that remain undernourished around the world from 2000 to 2009. The chart displays the global price of two food grains over the same period. Summarise the data by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The given table and line graph illustrate the number of
people
Use synonyms
 with insufficient
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of food worldwide
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 2000 to 2009 and
Use synonyms
value
Correct article usage
the value
show examples
 of grains in terms of
dollars
Use synonyms
 per
ton
Use synonyms
 throughout the same
period
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Overall
Linking Words
, an increasing trend was experienced during the
period
Use synonyms
 in quantity of undernourished
people
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. Peak price was reached by the end of the
period
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the opposite position was taken in the year 2000. The number of individuals suffering from hunger increased gradually.
Initially
Linking Words
,
quantity
Add an article
the quantity
a quantity
show examples
 of undernourished
people
Use synonyms
 comprised
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
857
million
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. In 2 years, an increase of 5
million
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
.
Then
Linking Words
, by 2004, the amount starving members of society had grown to 873
million
Use synonyms
. In 2006 and 2008 increases of 3
million
Use synonyms
 and 38
million
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 made up a total of 924
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
malnourished
people
Use synonyms
. During the final
year
Add a comma
,year
show examples
 the number of
people
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 with insufficient amount of food skyrocketed to 1024
million
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. The price of
rice
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 and
wheat
Use synonyms
 varied during the
period
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. Both of these grains cost 200
dollars
Use synonyms
oer
Correct your spelling
per
ton
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
.
While
Linking Words
 the
value
Use synonyms
 of
rice
Use synonyms
 remained stable until 2004,
wheat
Use synonyms
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 of 200 and
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
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 of 100
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dollars
Use synonyms
. By 2006 both grains'
Use synonyms
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 were equal to approximately 300
dollars
Use synonyms
 per
ton
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, the price of those products skyrocketed substantially.
Use synonyms
Value
Correct article usage
The value
show examples
 of
rice
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 and
wheat
Use synonyms
 made up 800 and 700
dollars
Use synonyms
 per
ton
Use synonyms
 respectively. By the end of the
period
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, the cost of
rice
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 per
ton
Use synonyms
 rose to about 1150
million
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 and
wheat
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 to 900
million
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "initially".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, value, dollars, ton, period, million, rice, wheat with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "skyrocketed" was used 2 times.
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