IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is difficult for people in the cities to get enough physical exercise. What are the causes and solutions?

#people #cities #exercise
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It is not easy for
resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
show examples
 in the nations to get enough
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
.
This
 essay will outline a
number
 of causes for
this
trend
 and a
number
 of possible solutions to help tackle the issue.
To begin
 with,
this
trend
 has several causes. One of the main causes of
this
 problem is that their life
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 too busy.
Therefore
, they don’t have time to
exercise
 and go to the gym or the park.
For instance
, nowadays in Vietnam
people
 usually spend an average of 8 to 12 hours a day working. So they often choose to rest after a long day of work rather than
exercise
.
Moreover
, to save working time,
people
 prefer to ride a motorbike or drive a car than to ride a bicycle even though cycling is a better way to stay healthy. Obviously, the development of science and technology leads to
people
 being
lazy
Rephrase
too lazy
show examples
 to
exercise
.
For example
, technological devices
such
 as computers or smartphones will make them spend most of their time on them.
Consequently
, form the habit of dependence and inactivity, even affecting health
such
 as headaches or eye pain.
However
, there are a
number
 of viable solutions to help inhabitants deal with
this
 problem.
Firstly
, everyone should start taking responsibility for their own physical health. They should reduce their reliance on technology devices and use more physical activity.
For example
,
people
 who work in offices should try to go upstairs by the stairs
instead
 of using the elevator.
Secondly
, the government can build more public fitness areas and spread the word about the good side of
exercise
 through the internet. In fact,
this
trend
 will attract more
people
 to health training. In conclusion,
although
this
trend
 is not good for citizens in the countries, there are a
number
 of viable solutions to counteract
this
 problem.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

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task response
Task response: The essay addresses the causes and solutions of the issue but could provide more specific examples and detailed explanations to fully meet the requirements of the task.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The logical structure of the essay is generally good, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the use of specific linking words and transitions could further improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • desk-bound jobs
  • fast-paced urban life
  • conveniences
  • physical exertion
  • barrier
  • densely populated
  • pollution
  • safety concerns
  • urban planning
  • pedestrian areas
  • cycle lanes
  • accessible
  • workplace wellness programs
  • subsidize
  • financial barriers
  • public awareness
  • incorporate
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