IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of Asian elephents between 1997 and 2004

The graph below shows the number of Asian elephents between 1997 and 2004
#asian #elephents
The chart illustrates the figure for
elephants
 in nine different Asian countries.
It is clear that
 the
number
 of Asian
elephants
 in all nations decreased,
while
 that of Cambodia increased throughout the period. It is
also
 notable that India accounted for the highest
number
 of
elephants
 in both two years. In 1997, India was the Asian country with the most
elephants
,
nearly
Change preposition
with nearly
show examples
 10000
elephants
. The second was Myanmar with over 5000
elephants
.
This
was follow
Change the verb form
was followed
show examples
 by Vietnam, Cambodia,
Laos
Correct word choice
and Laos
show examples
 with 1000
elephants
while
 Malaysia, Sri Lanka and Thai Land had
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
noticeably higher quantities of roughly 3000
elephants
. The least
number
 of
elephants
 come from China with nearly 500
elephants
 in the year 1997. After 7 years, the
number
 of
elephants
 in all countries declined, except
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Cambodia. In 2004,
although
 India witnessed a steady
fell
Replace the word
fall
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 elephant
habitants
Correct your spelling
habitats
show examples
 which stood at over 7500, it was still
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the top of the graph.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
,Meanwhile
show examples
 the figure for Myanmar dropped to 4800, and only to 1200 in Thailand. By
constrast
Correct your spelling
contrast
,
Combodia
Correct your spelling
Cambodia
 is the only country where the statistics for
elephants
 increased, the opposite was true for Malaysia which plummeted dramatically to over 1000
elephants
. At the same time, there was a slight decrease in Vietnam, Laos,
Sri
Correct word choice
and Sri
show examples
 Lanka, which stood at 1000 and 2800 respectively.
Finally
, China had the least
number
 of
elephants
 in the first period, and the data for that dropped to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half in the
last
 year.
Submitted by anhnguhongmai on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words elephants, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: