It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

In
this
competitive world, it is preferred by the majority of young ones to undertake their own business
instead
of working for an employer;
however
,I strongly believe that the benefits of
this
rife trend outweigh the limitations and will discuss the rationales to prove my viewpoint in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand,carrying on an own business leads to several health issues.
In other words
,if teenagers would run their own trade in spite of being wage-earners,it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
eventually surge their burden as they would have to manage the finance,trading and supervision by themselves.
While
in the case of employment, they would just need to work as per the guidance of the employer.
As a result
,they will end up with several psychological and physical issues
such
as depression and anxiety
due to
lack of relaxation
as well as
overworking.
On the other hand
,
this
will bestow their chances for their self-development.To prove it,people can learn about several things like managing finance,sales promotion and making deals by running a commercial organization.As they will have to handle all
this
.
Nevertheless
,in employment,there is limited access to progress.
Hence
,by engaging in commerce,young ones can result in self-improvement.
Besides
this
,running a business will not only be beneficial for the businessmen but
also
for the regime.To justify,by running their own organizations,youth will not seek employment opportunities from the government which will ultimately reduce the higher authorities' burden.
To conclude
,
although
this
proliferating trend can surge the workload of teenagers,I reckon that its benefits cannot be ignored in terms of
overall
personal growth
along with
reducing the load of lawmakers.
Submitted by sandhuprabh090 on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt but lacks in-depth analysis and discussion of advantages and drawbacks of working for oneself. It would benefit from a more balanced examination of both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the logical structure of the essay is weak. Points are presented in a somewhat disorganized manner. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aspiration
  • entrepreneur
  • flexibility
  • decision-making
  • financial rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • challenges
  • financial risk
  • invested capital
  • cash flow
  • guaranteed income
  • work-life balance
  • responsibility
  • pressure
  • burnout
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