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Band 6.5

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

#children #pressures #perspectives #measures
Children
 experience many pressures in terms of study, society, and commercials. These several causes of
this
 problem and some solutions to solve the above situation.
To begin
 with, there are some reasons why
children
 are under so much stress nowadays. The first one is that they have to compete with many other admissions to get into school. In an era where learning comes
first,
the stress of study is inevitable
due to
 the high level of competition. They have to study hard to submit to a better school, which is an extremely stressful environment.
In addition
, being aware of the change in
this
 era, educational institutions have added more subjects to equip their students with better preparation.
However
, it creates more pressure for admission because a lot of knowledge and exercises need to be absorbed before doing other things.
As a result
,
children
 will have less free time between academy sessions and they not be able to do the things they enjoy
Nevertheless
,
although
 there are some problems above, there are several solutions to solve the tense situation of
children
 in the present.
Firstly
, we should launch any campaign programs in the media or the department to re-educate the awareness of parents and students. In these programs,
children
 are taught that they should work together to improve their knowledge
instead
 of competing for a place in a good department.
Secondly
, educators had better review their education plans. They should reduce the number of theoretical lessons in class and focus on practical lessons, which bring many social skills, or reduce the amount of homework so that heir can participate in more outdoor activities.
For instance
,
according to
 a survey in Europe, tension among
children
 has decreased by 25% after the same solutions were done.
To conclude
, there are some reasons why
children
 are facing more pressure nowadays and some action to solve
this
 situation.

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task response
The essay partially addresses the causes and measures to reduce children's pressures. However, the explanations lack depth and specificity. It would be beneficial to provide more detailed and relevant examples to support the points made.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion. However, the connection between ideas within and between paragraphs could be improved. Utilize cohesive devices such as linking words and transition phrases to enhance coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic pressure
  • globalized world
  • competitive education system
  • social media influences
  • cyberbullying
  • commercial pressures
  • aggressive marketing
  • materialistic desires
  • peer pressure
  • high expectations
  • standardized testing
  • quantifiable performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • extracurricular achievements
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