IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In Some Countries An Increasing Number Of People Are Suffering From Health Problems As A Result Of Eating Too Much Fast Food

#countries #people #health #food
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It is often argued that the number of individuals who eat junk
food
Use synonyms
 has increased in some countries,
consequently
Linking Words
; they have experienced health problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
this
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 issue, and we will suggest some solutions. At the outset, it is observed that a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays prefer eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 like MacDonald, or KFC, particularly in developed countries,
as a result
Linking Words
 of certain reasons.
For example
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, they are so busy, and they do not have enough time to cook fresh
food
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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 to that,
this
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 type of new
food
Use synonyms
 is delicious
food
Use synonyms
, which encourages youth to eat more of it.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the cost of junk
food
Use synonyms
 is not exorbitant, so; it causes the widespread of it, especially among young adults. Unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
 causes some common health problems,
for instance
Linking Words
; a lot of humankind who eat
this
Linking Words
food
Use synonyms
 suffer from obesity, diabetes, or cardiovascular diseases.
Hence
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, all
people
Use synonyms
 should be aware of the risks of eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 because if they continue consuming it, their health will be in danger, and it will be better for them to eat natural
food
Use synonyms
, as; it will keep them healthy.
Furthermore
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, the government should encourage business
people
Use synonyms
 to set up restaurants to make fresh
food
Use synonyms
, so; natural
food
Use synonyms
 will be available everywhere
such
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 as eating more fruits and vegetables. On top of that, the authority should make campaigns and seminars to increase
people
Use synonyms
’s awareness about the importance of natural
food
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, folks should keep themselves away from all kinds of junk
food
Use synonyms
 because they have lots of cons, and if
people
Use synonyms
 in any country are healthy,
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 economic status
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be better,
hence
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; the government has a crucial role
to solve
Change preposition
in solving
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Submitted by sm710129 on

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grammar
Try to avoid starting sentences with conjunctions like 'For' and 'And'. Instead, use a variety of linking words and phrases to create more complex sentences.
content
Try to be more precise when extending your points. 'Unfortunately, this kind of food causes some common health problems, for instance; a lot of humankind who eat this food suffer from obesity, diabetes, or cardiovascular diseases.' Here, instead of vaguely mentioning these diseases, providing statistical information or specific examples would strengthen your argument.
vocabulary
You could further improve your language by using more academic synonyms for common words. For instance, instead of 'healthy', consider using 'nutritious', 'wholesome', or 'beneficial'. Instead of 'people', try 'individuals', 'populace', or 'citizens'.
grammar
Avoid excessive usage of semicolons. They should be used to separate related independent clauses, not to replace periods or commas. Correct usage of punctuation is important for improving your score.
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