IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should put art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subjects such as information technology. What extent do you agree or disagree?

Education is important for children to get prepared for the upcoming life when they head out of school and into the modern world. Many
supports
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support
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 that
art
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 and
music
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 should be replaced with trendy
subjects
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such
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 as information technology
,
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;
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however
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, I disagree with the decision to replace
such
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subjects
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,
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. Instead
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instead
Linking Words
, more thorough planning on the new system to include
such
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curriculum
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subjects
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 in
students
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students'
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life
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lives
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 will be the most viable solution. A school providing
art
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 and
music
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 as a
curriculum
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 is a plus for students as
these
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this
show examples
curriculum
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 helps improve a
children's
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child's
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 cognitive development. With the world growing exponentially in technologies, creativity is what a huge company need as
this
Linking Words
 brings them new business ideas to top their competitors in the field.
For instance
Linking Words
, when AI
first
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was first
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 released to the public, many
China
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Chinese
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 companies
starts
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started
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 hiring individuals to ask ChatGPT creative questions to get business ideas.
Furthermore
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,
art
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 and
music
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 are
also
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 important careers in the industry as many movie and
music
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 companies need individuals
that
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who
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excels
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excel
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 in these
field
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fields
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 to produce a masterpiece.
For example
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, SONY's
spiderman
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Spider-Man
show examples
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: into
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into
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Into
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 the
spiderverse
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Spider-Verse
 and
accross
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across
 the
spiderverse
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Spider-Verse
 has received positive reviews from
the
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apply
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consumers as the
art
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 and
music
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 produced by these
art
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 and
music
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 individuals is outstanding.
Although
Linking Words
 AI has taken over the
art
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 and
music
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 industry recently,
however
Linking Words
, the results of these movies or
musics
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music
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 are not liked by the public as
it
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they
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feels
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feel
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 fake and not original
,
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;
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therefore
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, AI
is
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apply
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will never replace the talent and creativity of a human. In conclusion,
school
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schools
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 should make
curriculum
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subjects
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 an elective to allow
childrens
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children
 to pick what they love the most and not remove these
subjects
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totally
Punctuation problem
, totally
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 stopping
childrens
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children
 with passion and love
to achieve
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from achieving
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 in
fields
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the fields
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 they prefer.

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task
Task: Say your view in the first line. Keep the view clear. Add 1 or 2 more ideas with simple proof.
coherence
Coherence: Use a clear map. Intro, 2 body parts, and a end. Use words like 'also', 'however', 'for example' to link ideas.
examples
Examples: use easy, true ideas. Explain why the idea fits the point. Do not mix too many facts.
content
You take a clear view that art and music should not be cut.
content
You give a sense of what you want for schools, with art and music as choice.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • cognitive abilities
  • cultural education
  • globally connected world
  • problem-solving skills
  • critical thinking
  • well-rounded education
  • self-expression
  • mental health impacts
  • digital art
  • music production
  • technology-driven careers
  • academic performance
  • intellectual growth
  • emotional development
  • creative subjects
  • enrich creativity
  • foster a sense of achievement
  • stress relief
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