IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Previously, in the
time
 of our
ancestors
Add a comma
,ancestors
show examples
 there were no smartphones, and they would have plenty of
time
 doing creative work or leisure activities.
However
,
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
because of cell
phones
, everyone has gotten busy with their lives. Having no creativity at all and
always
Add a missing verb
are always
show examples
 on their
phones
 wasting their precious
time
. In
this
 essay, I will explain the reason, why individuals spend hours on their cells,
at
Correct word choice
and at
show examples
 the same
time
 will
also
 give my opinion, on why
this
 is going towards negative development. Mobile
phones
 were invented back in
Correct article usage
the 1990’s
show examples
1990’s
Fix apostrophe usage
1990s
show examples
, at that
time
 it was very rare and not everyone could afford it. With the passage of
time
, innovations were taking place and the
phones
 that were rare to find ended up almost in every individual’s hand.
This
 was not the issue, the real problem began when parents started giving it to their
kids’
Correct your spelling
kids
show examples
 without having any idea what sought of harm it could cause them,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 eyesight weakness, laziness,
irritating
Replace the word
irritation
show examples
 etc. These all problems raised
due to
 overuse of
phone
.
For example
, my younger brother is so addicted to
phone
Correct pronoun usage
his phone
show examples
 that it is nearly impossible to keep him away from it. As
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 he always either play games or chat with his friends and never focuses on his health or study and is becoming spoiled day by day. I believe
this
 is very negative because children’s social life has been disrupted
due to
phones
 and they are becoming alone and rotten. If
this
 didn’t stop soon, they will become alone and will have zero
creativeness
Replace the word
creativity
show examples
 left in them.
For instance
, if we look at Japan, the government has specified only 1 hour for children,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they can use
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and
otherwise
 using
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for kids has been strictly restricted.
As a result
, their kids are very innovative
as well as
 are counted among
top
Correct article usage
the top
show examples
 IQ students.
Submitted by khannaughty26 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: