IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem?

An increasing concern for many people around the world is the
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
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. Some individuals opine that
children
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 are becoming obese by spending more
time
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 in front of the
TV
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 others think the opposite. I,
however
Linking Words
, agree with the former view. Generally speaking,
children
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 are facing a variety of
health
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 issues nowadays; obesity is one of them. Watching
TV
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 is increasing
this
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 issue. They are spending more
time
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 in front of the
TV
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.
While
Linking Words
 watching
it
Punctuation problem
it,
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 they tend to eat more junk food, and
lost
Wrong verb form
lose
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 interest
to go
Change preposition
in going
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 outside and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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both
Punctuation problem
; both
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 of these lead to obesity. To add more,
children
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 who are more addicted to the
TV
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 most of the
time
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 use to go to bed late at night, which is harmful to their brain development
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and
health
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 issues.
This
Linking Words
 activity can
also
Linking Words
 make them underweight. To solve all these negative things about
children
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's
health
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 problems, parents should be more active. Research shows that, by
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
nature
Punctuation problem
nature,
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children
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 follow
grownups
Use the right word
grown-ups
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.
parents
Fix capitalization
Parents
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 should make a realistic schedule for their child, which will include outside
playing
Replace the word
play
show examples
 and
TV
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time
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 . Parents can take their
children
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 to the park, to nature and play with them. That will make a child more attractive to the outside world. Schools should be more careful about
this
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too
Punctuation problem
, too
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. They should encourage students
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 outdoor sports.
To sum up
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, I suggest that every child deserves a healthy life . We all should play our part to ensure that healthy life for the
children
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. Watching
TV
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 and playing outside should be balanced at the same
time
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.

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structure
Plan your essay before you write. Put one main idea in each paragraph and link them with small words like 'also', 'but', 'however'.
structure
Make your point clear at the start of the essay and restate it at the end.
content
Add more real facts or examples to show how TV use can lead to weight gain.
coherence
Use simple links to show how ideas are related.
language
Check grammar to be clear and easy to read.
structure
You take a clear view in the intro.
content
You give ideas for how to solve the problem.
structure
The ending repeats the main idea in a simple way.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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