IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many modern children spend great deal of time sitting in front of a television or computer screen. This is exteremly harmful to their development. Therefore, parents should strictly limit the time that children spend in this way. to what extent do you agree or disgree?

#children #time #front #television #computer #screen #development #parents #limit #disgree
Nowadays
children
 tend to enjoy their
leasure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
 in front of electronic devices. Some people believe it is completely dangerous for
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
.
This
essays
Change the determiner
essay
show examples
 displays my personal reason of why I agree to limit
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 screen
time
 playing gadgets.
Firstly
, I personally agree to support the idea of limiting
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
sceen
Correct your spelling
screen
time
. There
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 research revealing the impact of surfing online towards
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
development
. The data show a large percentage of youngsters socializing on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
easy-to-contact platforms. These platforms allow these individuals to connect easily.
Therefore
, there are numerous crimes that may affect the
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 behavior and physical
development
.
The
Correct article usage
An
show examples
 example of
this
 is the famous offendant, Jeffrey Dahmer. He is a serial killer who hunted young
children
 on the internet.
Thus
, no limitation of devices will likely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
introduce our beloved ones to a criminal. Another background why I agree to block using these devices for a long
time
 is because of the psychological purpose. Many debaters in Oxford debating firm argued how watching TV or
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
collapse
Correct subject-verb agreement
collapses
show examples
 human interaction. They believe that spending hours in front of these tools will harm emotional
development
.
Children
 will talk less than others who do not involve their
eletronics
Correct your spelling
electronics
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis.
In addition
, kids may behave differently; uncontrolled and unstable.
For instance
, various kindergartens prefer to provide real learning media
instead
 of simply giving these
children
 tablets to play. In conclusion, I stand for the campaign of strictly sparing
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 for kids. The reason behind
this
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the harm aspect and welfare aspect.
This
 will guide parents to maintain their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
development
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: