As well as making money, businesses also have social respinsibilities, to what extent do you agree or disagree.

Businesses are always driven by money-making pursuits, which,
however
, is argued that it needs to shoulder social responsibilities as well. From my perspective, I am in favour of
this
opinion, believing that not only should enterprises and entrepreneurs aim to make a profit but take more duties into consideration. Living in a world full of competitiveness and stress, there is no doubt that businessmen and corporations make an effort to earn as much money as they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
,
thus
gaining an edge over competitors.
For instance
, Apple's company endeavours to lower the manufacturing cost and increase the sale price so that it can reap more revenue from the market.
As a result
, all interested parties,
such
as shareholders, governments and so on, can benefit from it.
Furthermore
, profit-driven pursuits could fuel people and enterprises to make progress through unremitting effort, because wealth is able to make many dreams come true.
For example
, business persons can improve the living standard for themselves and their families, which brings them happiness and well-being.
On the other hand
, the country provides us with opportunities to do business,
therefore
individuals and organizations engaging in commercial activities ought to make contributions to society.
To begin
with, the community offers well-built infrastructure and sufficient employees for people to make a fortune, which in turn should be paid back by money-makers. Apart from paying taxes, Apple company and other international corporations
also
donate a great sum of money to local charities and the less fortunate, thereby achieving higher value beyond money-making goals.
In addition
, the wealth in the country can be distributed more equally when individuals and enterprises take their social responsibilities, say, investing their gains into neighbourhoods to render assistance to those in need,
thus
building a harmonious society with a narrow gap between the haves and have-nots. In conclusion,
while
it is true that individuals and companies in the businesses should spare no pains in maximizing profit, there is a wider role to play for them in society.
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Task Response: The essay provides a clear opinion and effectively supports it with relevant examples. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more explicitly linked to the topic.
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Coherence and Cohesion: The essay has a clear and well-structured logical flow. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more explicitly linked to the main topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

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  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • contribute positively
  • reputation
  • attract customers
  • ethical practices
  • environmental sustainability
  • profit-making
  • challenging
  • government regulations
  • meet social responsibilities
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