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Band 5.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relavant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development #relavant
These days, more and more
people
 who have medical problems prefer alternative medicines and treatments to go to the hospital and meet
doctors
. In my opinion,
this
 problem is a negative development for
people
 who have
health
 problems. There are some reasons why
people
 have to go to the hospital rather than using
another medical treatments
Replace the adjective
another medical treatment
other medical treatments
show examples
.
First,
the
Change the word
your
show examples
health
 could be worse if you do not go to the hospital. When we
visit
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
show examples
,
doctor
Add an article
the doctor
a doctor
show examples
 can tell
you
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the accurate reasons why
you
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 are sick. But if you do not
visit
 there, you can not find where your
health
 problem
is begin
Change the verb form
begins
show examples
 exactly and you can earn much illness in the future.
For example
, think about the situation
that
Change preposition
in that
show examples
 you have a sickness on your gum, and you just go to the pharmacy and never
visit
 the dentist. Your illness could begin with your teeth, but if you do not
visit
dental
Correct article usage
the dental
show examples
 office, you could not find the exact reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 your sickness.
In addition
 to
this
, if the
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 who
visit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hospitals
 and find
doctors
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased, the number of
hospitals
 and
doctors
 in that country would be
also
 dropped, and
this
 would be connected to the less opportunity to get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
treatment
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
doctors
.
For instance
, the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
visit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dentistry
Replace the word
dentist
show examples
, the more dental office will
started
Change the verb form
start
be started
show examples
 to be closed, and the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 who want to be a dentist, and the nation have no new
dentist
Fix the agreement mistake
dentists
show examples
 anymore. In conclusion, the problem that many
people
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 problems do not
visit
 the
hospitals
 and
usual
Add an article
the usual
a usual
show examples
 doctor is definitely a negative development, I think. So we have to go to their usual
doctors
 to find the exact reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 illness and keep their number of
doctors
 and
hospitals
.
Submitted by guseoin on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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