IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Although parents are responsible for raising a child, outside influence plays a key role in their development. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#parents #child #influence #role #development
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In recent years, the phenomenon of young individuals tending to hang out without
parents
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 is happening constantly
while
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 abundant of
parents
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 are against it.
Although
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 some adults agree that
kids
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 should have more life and failure experiences to become mature humans, I disagree that it would be a positive trend in the foreseeable future. First of all, the most attractive matters for
kids
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 are celebrities, including singers, movie stars, and internet celebrities which can make them feel delighted and exhilarated because they can discuss with friends, be the popular people in their groups and connect to the world.
However
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, there are abundant scam advertisements and cheaters involved on the internet which they cannot recognize properly. If children have not been taught how to distinguish themselves from real or fake
then
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 they can easily be tricked and
regretted
Wrong verb form
regret
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 it.
Hence
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, comprehending chaotic advertisements on the internet or being a fan of someone rationally would be the priority in
kids
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' education and development.
Moreover
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, adolescents tend to participate in parties which might lead them to be a part of the group and socialize with people
easier
Rephrase
more easily
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.
Nevertheless
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, it
accompanies
Wrong verb form
is accompanied
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with
Change preposition
by
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 hidden risks in the parties which consist of drug abuse, sexual assault and
committing
Verb problem
apply
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other illegal crimes.
For example
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, my cousin insisted to join the orientation and registration after school without the supervision of teachers, unfortunately, she was raped by a stranger who just get into the party without permission and until now she has been conquering severe mental issues and did not finish her degree. In conclusion, based on the information mentioned, we can say that
parents
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 have been doing their best for
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kids
Correct pronoun usage
their kids
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.
However
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, some children refuse to not comply which is quite alarming. From my perspective,
although
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 it is a sophisticated issue, I believe it would be an informed choice for all
kids
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 to realize how to discriminate a variety of dangers from outside influence with
parents
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 in order to obtain more life experiences which not only prevent them from unnecessary damage but
also
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 provide an authentic happy growing development in their life.
Submitted by mornicayang on

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task response
Provide more specific examples and focus on directly addressing the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is generally logical, but there are some issues with coherence and cohesion, such as unclear progression of ideas and lack of linking expressions.
lexical resource
The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary throughout. However, consider using more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas more effectively.
grammatical range
The essay displays an acceptable level of grammatical control. However, ensure to use a wider range of sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement.
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