IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is commonly argued that we should provide aid for others living in our region or nation
instead
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 of everybody worldwide. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
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 view for a variety of reasons. First of all, helping those in need is simply the right thing to do, regardless of where they are in the world.
This
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 means that we have a moral obligation to use our resources and abilities to make a better life for human beings.
For example
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, in 2011, Vietnam provided financial support of 200.000 USD to ease the pain of Japan’s citizens
due to
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 the earthquake and tsunami disaster which killed more than 1700 victims.
In addition
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, other countries
also
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 had suggestions to send rescue teams and supplies to assist the Japanese in overcoming their losses.
This
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 is obviously an inspiring act of humans.
Secondly
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, we are living in an interconnected world where the actions of one country or community can have a ripple effect on others.
Therefore
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, it is in our own self-interest to help those around the world, as it can contribute to a more stable and prosperous global community. In fact, if we treat people with kindness and respect, good things will come back to us in the future.
For example
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,
along with
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 helping other countries, the Vietnamese have
also
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 received humanitarian aid from many other nations
such
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 as the USA, France, and so on to solve issues of war consequences, poverty and education. In conclusion, it is believed that it is impossible to help everyone in the universe, so we should pay attention to our own areas or territories. In my opinion, humankind has inherent value and dignity, regardless of their nationality and location;
therefore
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, there is no limitation for helping those in need.

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coherence cohesion
You have to ensure that your essay progresses logically from the introduction through to the conclusion. The logical structure is evident but could benefit from smoother transitions and clearer progression between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present with clear thesis statements, which is commendable. Still, strive to make your conclusion not only a summary but also a final, conclusive argument reinforcing your position.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points further by expanding your supporting arguments or by incorporating a wider range of sentence structures to convey complexity. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea to avoid diluting your argument.
task achievement
The essay met the task response criteria with a clear expression of your position. It would be beneficial to reinforce your opinion by addressing potential counterarguments and refuting them, to showcase a more well-rounded understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have presented ideas that are relevant and generally well explained, but consider adding more depth and elaboration to demonstrate a comprehensive treatment of the topic. Using varied sentence structures and a more diverse vocabulary can also aid in this.
task achievement
The essay provides examples, but they would have a stronger impact if they were more fully developed. Specific examples should be detailed and relevant, enhancing your argument rather than just listing events or facts. For example, discuss the implications of the aid provided to Japan and how it reflected global interconnectedness or reciprocity.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • global interconnectivity
  • international cooperation
  • ethics
  • moral obligation
  • geographical borders
  • diplomatic relations
  • economic stability
  • global security
  • resource allocation
  • expertise
  • international aid
  • dependency and development
  • sustainable solutions
  • local and global initiatives
  • community resilience
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