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Band 6.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their acheivements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #acheivements #sets #people
It is true that there is a tendency to be well-known because of the luxurious
life
 conditions,
whereas
 people maintaining achievements and reaching their goals remain unknown. Personally, I completely agree that
this
 sets a bad example to the younger generation because I believe that only those who succeed in
life
 and work to boost specific fields of society can actually inspire them. First and foremost, famous people are pursued by youngsters and teenagers.
This
 means that younger generations are being grown up by celebrities, namely bloggers in social media. Following successful people, who get fame thanks to their abilities and skills
such
 as Elon Musk, is more beneficial for teenagers to get motivation
together with
 incentives to strive to study and have a purpose to attain achievements rather than giving preference to effortless and mesmerizing lifestyles of wealthy ones.
Secondly
, there is a danger to the personality traits of youngsters because of
pursuing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bloggers who provide unhealthy diets and curse words in their speeches.
Thus
, it is advantageous to follow scientists or influencers who are making breakthroughs in technology or science. Let us take a look at the mental conditions of followers. Nowadays, it is a crucial issue to have a low interest in
life
 and be under a lot of strain because of seeing others' lifestyles and desire to have it.
For instance
, pursuing others’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 may lead to dissatisfaction and criticism of their
life
 because of not having the ability to afford an astonishing lifestyle. In conclusion, following wealthy and rich celebrities
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 more drawbacks than positive outcomes.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that for everyone it would be beneficial to pursue celebrities who reached goals and success in their
life
 because it may be a source of motivation to attain their own achievements.
Submitted by arnakaldybai on

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task response
Ensure that your examples are more specific and directly relevant to the prompt. Provide concrete instances of celebrities setting a bad example for young people.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
lexical resource
Try to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary to add depth and variety to your writing. Consider using synonyms and idiomatic expressions to enhance your lexical resource.
grammatical range
Work on using a wider variety of complex grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences and passive voice, to demonstrate a more sophisticated grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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