IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #say #population #governments #society
Currently, many
people
 outlive for several years
in contrast
 to the past.
As a result
 of long
living
Replace the word
life
show examples
, the term
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
ageing population has been shown. Whilst many
people
 see that the ageing population makes many
problems
 and obstacles for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
organizations, others think that there are advantages to the
country
 for having like these elderly
people
. I absolutely agree with the pros of having old
people
.
To begin
 with, having
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 in the
country
 helps to solve many economic
problems
 and environmental obstacles.
The society
Correct article usage
Society
show examples
 and corporations can consult them and take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 of their knowledge, experience, and valuable background.
Furthermore
, the ageing
people
 have a deep understanding of the
country
 and its issues.
Moreover
, they encountered many
problems
 and several conflicts and succeeded in solving
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
so that they have the ability to guide the young
people
 and youth to get back on the right track.
For instance
, I have consulted my elderly professor who is over 70 years in a specific domain related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial technology and he gave me some brilliant and genius tips that have enabled me to overcome
this
 issue.
In addition
 to that, they have the ability to plan very well for the future and put many strategic plans for solving many
problems
 like environmental
problems
,
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
problems
, political
problems
, medical
problems
, and in all the fields of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life.
According to
 the survey that has been conducted by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientists and researchers
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Harvard and Stanford Universities, they have
showed
Change the verb form
shown
show examples
 that 99% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
people
 are very useful and beneficial to the
country
 and can contribute to the
country
's
economic
Replace the word
economy
show examples
.
To sum up
, I'm convinced that, possessing and having
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 have a great impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in all fields and are considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
 to select the right path and to keep the
country
 on the right track. Expected Score:
Submitted by someysamanoudi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: