Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
One
of the social concerns today relates to mutual relationships between human beings in contemporary societies. While
it is commonly thought that people are likely to rely on one
another, others
believe that individuals prefer to have more control over their lives. I am going to discuss these opposing points of view. Personally, I think it depends on each situation Correct word choice
whether
that
we should be independent or not.
On the Correct word choice
whether
one
hand, it is argued that dependence is becoming more and more in favour. It is mainly because each person may only be good at one
or two areas. Therefore
, we still have to rely on others
for things like healthcare, security, and emotional support. For example
, we may rely on doctors to treat our illnesses, we need police to keep us safe, and we cannot live without friends or family who will always be by our side when we have difficulties.
On the other hand
, it is strongly believed by others
that self-sufficiency is popular these days. People often have this
opinion because people are able to do many things independently with the development of the internet and technologies, such
as working remotely, self-learning, and e-banking. For example
, my company find it efficient when keeping
its staff working from home three days per week. Wrong verb form
keep
Consequently
, this
allows for greater self-government and flexibility in terms of balancing work and personal life.
In conclusion, it is commonly thought that mutual reliance is likely to be prevalent ; meanwhile, others
assume that self-sufficiency is becoming more and more popular. Personally, I tend to believe that it’s essential to discern in which circumstances that
we should be independent or need support from our family members, friends and colleagues.Correct word choice
apply
Submitted by yeshomeclass on
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coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, your essay demonstrates a satisfactory logical structure. Subsequent paragraphs are well-developed, and ideas transition smoothly from one to another. However, you could improve coherence by enhancing the connections between ideas and providing more explicit linking phrases.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents an introduction and a conclusion, which is commendable. Both paragraphs serve their purpose, with the introduction setting the stage for the discussion and the conclusion effectively summarizing the main points. To enhance this area, consider adding a stronger final statement in your conclusion to leave a more impactful impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
The main points in the body paragraphs are supported, yet it would be beneficial to elaborate further on the examples provided. Aim for deeper analysis and more detailed explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You've provided a complete response to the task, showing an understanding of both views and giving your own opinion. However, to score higher, ensure that your position is clearly stated from the beginning and consistently reiterated throughout the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, but they lack a bit of depth. In the future, strive to explore each point more thoroughly, which could involve more nuanced arguments or considering counterarguments to enhance the critical thinking aspect of the essay.
task achievement
The examples used in the essay are relevant, but you should incorporate more specificity. Utilize particular cases, data, or studies that firmly back your claims, thereby increasing the persuasive power of your essay.
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