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Band 7

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#scientists #technology #experts #society #musicians #artists
In many countries, experts
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sciences and technologies are highly respected and have much more income compared to musicians or artists. I agree that
this
 is happening in our modern society. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the possible causes of
this
 phenomenon.
To begin
 with, people who pursue careers in the field of science and
technology
 are considered smart and dedicated.
This
 might be associated with a higher degree and university education that they have to accomplish before they become an expert in sciences or
technology
. On top of that, development in science and
technology
 significantly affects our lives.
Consequently
, experts in that field are considered first-class citizens and are highly paid for their work.
For example
, the advanced
technology
 in the internet and communication software has changed the course of human's lives.
Also
,
as a result
 of the hard-working scientists in the field of medicine and biotechnology, these days, patients with cancer and other chronic diseases may have a better quality of life.
In addition
,
although
 it may be true that art and music are inseparable parts of human culture, in many countries musicians and artists are not valued by society as they should be. In my opinion, there are a few reasons for
this
 phenomenon.
Firstly
, many people see art as a complementary aspect of our lives. It is not a basic need or a survival skill.
Therefore
, art seems to be not as important as science or
technology
. In conclusion, it is true that musicians and artists are not valued as much as scientists and
technology
 experts in our modern society.
Submitted by irarahmawati.polkesma on

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task response
Overall, the essay adequately responds to the task question but lacks deeper exploration and development of the points. The coherence and structure are generally well organized but could benefit from clearer signposting and linkage of ideas. There are relevant examples, but stronger and more varied support could enhance the response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and serve their purposes effectively. However, the essay would benefit from clearer progression and linkage between paragraphs to improve overall coherence. Use of cohesive devices to connect ideas more explicitly is recommended.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some precise and appropriate word choices. However, for a higher score, strive for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Additionally, aim to use more academic and formal language to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay shows a reasonably wide range of structures, with generally accurate and varied use of grammar. To further improve, work on using a wider variety of sentence structures and more complex grammatical forms. Also, pay attention to punctuation and sentence mechanics for greater accuracy and precision.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
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