Many people believe that watching a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
One school of thought
instead
of watching the event on television, watching a live performance is more enjoyable. The writer of this
essay strongly agrees with this
notion as not only atmosphere
and immersion but also
supporting artists
and athletes
.
The first aspect to consider is the unparalleled atmosphere
of live performances. Firstly
, attending a live performance offers a unique atmosphere
and a sense of immersion that can not be replaced by watching it on television. Moreover
, the energy of the crowd and being in the presence of the performers or athletes
enhances the overall
experience. For example
, at football matches, most of
spectators want to watch in person at Change preposition
apply
stadium
Add an article
the stadium
instead
of watching throughout
Change preposition
through
Correct article usage
the televison
televison
which Correct your spelling
television
not
bring collective energy Add a missing verb
does not
for
the viewers.
Change preposition
to
Secondly
, watching a live performance also
supports artists
and athletes
. To explain further
, attending live events directly supports the artists
, athletes
, and performers financially and emotionally, showing appreciation for their work in a way that watching on TV does not. For instance
, watching live at some concerts can support the singer by creating a vibrant atmosphere
and then
artists
will have more motivation to perform.
In conclusion, I completely agree that live performances provide a superior experience to that of their televised counterparts. The unique atmosphere
and supporting artists
and athletes
pf
live events create a compelling and unforgettable enjoyment that television viewing can not replicate.Correct your spelling
of
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coherence cohesion
The introduction is effective but can be improved by rephrasing to enhance clarity. For instance, 'The writer of this essay strongly agrees...' can be changed to 'This essay strongly agrees...'.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs should have a clearer structure. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of the paragraph.
task achievement
Provide more detailed reasons and examples to strengthen the arguments presented. For example, how does the atmosphere of a live performance enhance enjoyment compared to a televised one?
coherence cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to improve the overall flow of the essay. This can help to make your points more engaging and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally effective, it would benefit from more varied vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and vividly.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance and directly addresses the prompt, which is a strong point.
supported main points
The points made are relevant and support the main argument effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reiterates the author’s agreement with the prompt.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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