Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Nowadays, numerous children have an unhealthy lifestyle
such
as a sedentary lifestyle. Because of that, some people argue that schools and parents are responsible for solving this
problem. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the given statement, and I will elaborate on it in this
essay.
On the one hand, these days, youngsters go to school and spend most of their time in educational institutions. As a result
, they have only a chance to exercise in that place. However
, various schools have few physical movements so they spend time more sitting down on their chairs. For example
, In South Korea, many schools focus on their students sent to university thus
, they reduce subjects like physical activities and art activities. Consequently
, learners lose an opportunity to exercise, which leads to a sedentary life as well as
some diseases like obesity. Therefore
, institutes have a responsibility to them and have to think about pupil health.
On the other hand
, many juveniles also
spend time with guardians so they just follow their parent's opinion. Moreover
, various caregivers think that physical exercises are unnecessary, and just more study is better for their offspring. For instance
, In South Korea, in the present day, a lot of parents want to their children get professional jobs such
as doctors, lawyers and prosecutors. For
this
reason, they do not send them to physical academies just send them to English or mathematics institutions. Hence
, youngsters cannot play with their friends as well as
exercise. Because of this
, parents have responsibilities to their scions.
In conclusion, I completely agree with this
statement. Education institutions and guardians are responsible for youngsters. Because they are so young and influenced by adult's decisions. Of course, today, they do not want to play with their mates more like play games inside their house using IT devices. So, we should think about our youngster's health, do physical activities and teach them how important physical actions are and that will lead to the young generation's healthy lifestyle.Submitted by livewire53 on
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Task Response
The essay provides a relevant response to the task question, with a clear position and relevant supporting points. However, some ideas lack development and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear framework for the essay. However, the development of supporting points lacks coherence and detailed explanation.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a varied range of vocabulary, but some terms are used incorrectly or inappropriately. Consider using more precise and accurate vocabulary to convey ideas effectively.
Grammatical Range
There is a mix of simple and complex sentence structures used throughout the essay. However, there are errors in subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence construction, affecting the overall clarity and precision of the writing.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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