IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #lives #celebrities #media
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In recent years, there has been a growing debate about the roles of famous
people
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 on social
media
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.
While
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 some
people
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 may argue that
such
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 individuals should clearly expose their personalities online, personally, I strongly agree with the statement and believe that
this
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 phenomenon may cause various drawbacks, which will be elaborated on in
this
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 essay. To commence, the primary factor why celebs should not share their
lives
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 on any
media
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 is mental health issues. It cannot be denied that most
celebrities
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 often have haters who frequently distract them in some way, especially when they are outstanding from other
celebrities
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. A good example of
this
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 is in Thailand, where there are several remarkable actors and singers. Mostly,
such
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people
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 are often harassed by various
people
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, particularly on social
media
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, causing some actors to have mental health concerns, getting depression or anxiety.
Secondly
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, I believe that a private zone is necessary for everyone, especially famous
people
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, as they need to work with a large group of
people
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 all the time during their professional life. Clearly opening their information might be unsafe for them, their family,
in particular
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.
For example
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, some criminals or stalkers may follow them and family to their houses and commit a crime since they know the location of
such
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celebrities
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.
Nevertheless
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, some
people
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 believe that showing famous individuals’ personal
lives
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 on social
media
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 offers several benefits.
Firstly
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,
such
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 a trend brings profitable results for certain businesses
such
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 as
media
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 and news industries as they may get the revenue from gossip or news, contributing to economic growth. In conclusion, some
people
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 think that sharing the personal
lives
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 of
celebrities
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 in the
media
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 meaningfully contributes to economic progress. I,
however
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, agree that they should not open their
lives
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 to social as it causes potential downsides, including mental issues and impact on families. It would be better if we, as their fan club, kept some distance between our
lives
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 and their personal matters.
This
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 may help famous
people
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 feel happier.
Submitted by title848 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs and a clear conclusion. However, ideas are a bit difficult to follow at times. Aim to improve the flow and transitions between ideas.
task achievement
The task is well answered with adequate examples. However, points could be more detailed and comprehensive for a clearer understanding of your arguments.
lexical resource
A good range of vocabulary has been utilized but trying to use a wider range of synonyms or more idiomatic language could improve your score here.
grammatical range accuracy
Grammar is mostly accurate with only a few minor mistakes. Keep practicing and reviewing your grammar to get the highest scores in this area. Specifically, be careful with singular and plural forms and the use of prepositions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Media scrutiny
  • Public persona
  • Personal autonomy
  • Sensationalism
  • Paparazzi
  • Tabloid journalism
  • Right to privacy
  • Mental well-being
  • Public interest
  • Ethical journalism
  • Celebrity culture
  • Gossip columns
What to do next:
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