IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

homelessness is increasing in many major cities around the world. what do you think are the main causes of this problem and what measures can be taken to solve it?

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Homelessness increases in several big
cities
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 around the world. In my perspective, the main reasons that affect
this
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problem
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 are
urbanisation
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 and lack of
knowledge
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, and it should be solved. Nowadays,
people
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 are eager to go to metropolitan
cities
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 for a better living.
However
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, if the
urbanisation
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 activities are executed massively, it will result in a vital
problem
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: homelessness, in which many
people
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 don’t have shelter to live.
This
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 condition is
due to
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 the lack of rules focusing on
city
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 planning, so individuals from the countryside freely move to
cities
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 without any preparation.
For instance
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, everyone dreams hanging their lives in Jakarta because they envisage that there are many jobs available. Meanwhile, there is no specific rule that provides jobs. So,
people
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 who have been there will do anything to continue their lives,
such
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 as sleeping on sidewalks or, in a different case, behaving harmful ways for
money
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. The second
problem
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 is individuals who want to move to big
cities
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 have limited
knowledge
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 and
problem
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 solving on managing
money
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.
This
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 issue leads to a serious
problem
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 since
people
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 will be trapped in bad impacts
such
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 as debt and criminalisation.
This
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 case has been happening in several
cities
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 in the world.
As a result
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, the
city
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 safeness will be questioned. The
problem
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 can be solved in two ways:
first,
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by limiting
urbanisation
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 and promoting another
city
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 to citizens so they can find an alternative
city
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 to live.
Second,
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by equipping citizens with economic
knowledge
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, which can overcome the
problem
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. Government can facilitate socialisation in some small towns in order to make
people
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 aware of how important
knowledge
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 is, especially about managing
money
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 before moving to big
cities
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. In conclusion, the
problem
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 of homeless
people
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 increasing in
cities
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 is a result of
urbanisation
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that is
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 not well managed and
people
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 awareness of managing
money
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.
However
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, if the solution mentioned can be implemented by the government, I believe it can bring a bright future to the citizens.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your essay has a clear and logical structure. Start with an introduction that presents the topic and your thesis; proceed with body paragraphs (each with a single main idea and supporting evidence), and finish with a well-concluding statement that summarizes your points and reflects on the thesis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link your ideas and paragraphs together. This can include linking words (consequently, furthermore, however), referents (this, these, it), and other phrases that show connections between your thoughts.
Task Achievement
Throughout your essay, be consistent with your point of view. You should maintain a formal and academic tone, avoiding informal language and contractions.
Task Achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the IELTS task. This includes discussing the causes of the problem as well as specific measures that could solve it. Your examples and arguments should be both relevant and concrete.
Task Achievement
Provide clear, comprehensive ideas that directly address the prompt. While you have presented some ideas relevant to the topic, strive to expand on these ideas with more detailed examples and a deeper analysis to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
For a higher score, you should provide more relevant, specific examples. These examples should support the main points in your argument and be clearly linked to the discussion on the causes and solutions for the problem of homelessness in major cities.
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