IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

#sports #professionals #money #people #professions
Nowadays,
people
 who excel in sports can earn a large amount of money.
By contrast
, the salaries of some crucial jobs that play a vital role in society are so low. In some
people
's opinion,
this
 issue is not fair,
however
, opponents of
this
 view believe professional
players
 deserve higher revenue.
On the other hand
, some
people
, especially the
people
 who run huge corporations, think that
players
 should be paid a
lot
 of money. They have several reasons for their selection. First of all, they mention the popularity and fame of
players
.
Due to
 their fame, they can utilize them in advertising and attract
people
 who follow and like them to buy their goods and products. Actually, because of financial issues that lead to earning a
lot
 of money in a short period of time, they support these ideas. On the one hand, the majority of
people
 who disagree with paying a large amount of income to sports
players
 point out that their job is not important and does not have a great influence on the progress of countries.
For instance
, they refer to some important occupations that have a
lot
 of effects on societies. Some work is related to human health, and
as a result
, imagining the world without them is impossible.
For example
, it can refer to doctors who save human lives. Obviously, their job is much more crucial than
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
players
 because, if one player had made a mistake, their team would lose.
Although
this
 issue is considered by hordes of folks, it is not as vital as human lives. To wrap it all up, both sides of ideas have their own supporter, but I would rather the idea which
emphasize
Change the verb form
emphasizes
show examples
 on
unfair
Add an article
the unfair
show examples
 distribution of income. In my view, doctors or engineers ought to focus on their activities to perform at the highest level.
In addition
, fulfilling
exception
Correct article usage
the exception
show examples
 of
people
 needs a
lot
 of attention.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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Grammar & Vocabulary
There are some issues with grammar and word choice throughout, which can interrupt the reader's understanding.
Coherence & Cohesion
The presentation of ideas could be more logically structured and clear to improve coherence and cohesion. Don't jump between opposing views too quickly.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
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