IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

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Money would always be the source for the purchase of essential and non-essential products or services to satisfy our needs and wants.
This
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 essay will elaborate about the
happiness
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 that money could bring into our lives, followed by other factors that would lead to
happiness
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.
To begin
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 with having a large bank balance,
individuals
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 could spend the cash on their needs and wants without a hesitation.
Firstly
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, knowing the ability to purchase any product or a service
that is
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 desired by a person at any time would lead to a higher level of self-satisfaction.
Thus
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, resulting
people
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 to be happy. For an example: - Paying a third party to do a job that you are not enjoying doing,
such
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 as cleaning your house, will lead to a
happiness
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 as the work is done to your expectation without any effort.
Secondly
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, most of the time
people
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 are perceived as respected
individuals
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 by the society when they are highlighted for the wealth that they inherit.
Therefore
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,
people
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 who are psychologically motivated by
this
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 aspect would be happy.
On the other hand
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, funds are not the only source that would bring
happiness
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 to a person. As
people
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 mature, they tend to enjoy a peach of mind.
Hence
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, they get themselves engaged in meditation and mind relaxing activities, which leads them to
happiness
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. For an instance: -
According to
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 an article, research has found that
Individuals
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 practicing mind relaxing exercises tend to be living a happy life than
individuals
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 who are not, because it teaches you to control your emotions and thoughts well. In conclusion, it is important to understand that money is one of the factors that would lead to
happiness
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 up to some point of time in a human’s life, but it is the other non-monetary factors that would bring
happiness
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 over a long term.

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion. There is a logical structure and the main points are supported adequately. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed to fully address the question.
task achievement
The essay provides a sufficient response to the task, with clear ideas and relevant examples. However, the ideas could be presented more comprehensively, and the examples could be more specific and detailed to fully address the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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