IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

"Some people argue that missing school to take part in climate change protests is beneficial for young people. Others believe that children should remain in school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #school #part #climate #change #protests #children
While
 a group of
people
 believe in the notion that there is a greater takeaway for youngsters to learn by being a
climate
 activist than by participating in
school
, others claim that kids should not be distracted from
school
. To my mind, each side has its own merits and demerits to offer,
however
, I
also
 believe that
children
 should be kept outside
this
 bureaucracy. To start with, as the repercussions of global warming intensify, it forces
people
 to raise more
children
 who are conscious of humidity change and other effects.
While
this
 can be pinpointed as the most important reason for
people
 encouraging the youth to act as
climate
 change activists, the media outlets
also
 have an equal impact.
For instance
,
according to
 certain
people
, juveniles should be brought up in a way so that they can protect the world by fighting against massive conglomerates those of which have abandoned the regulatory laws.
Consequently
, the world will flourish with more young
people
 who are equipped with the proper expertise and enthusiasm to act as
climate
 activists.
On the other hand
, as opposed to that there are
also
people
 who are strongly against alienating kids from schools. It is my firm belief that it is utterly important for
children
 to study and remain at
school
 to acquire a profound education which will later excel them in their future life.
Furthermore
, younger generations have less chance of accomplishing
such
 a difficult task
as well as
 fundamental knowledge to act as
climate
 change defenders. As a vivid case of
this
, Gretho Thunberg who is a 15-year-old
climate
 activist who pretends to help
people
 to overcome the existing difficulties with the most challenging topics though she does not have any chance of being helpful whatsoever, but being a burden.
To sum up
, in my view, a
school
 is the most convenient place for
children
 to learn and enhance their experience without being involved in any kind of suspicious activities.
Nevertheless
,
this
 does not necessarily mean that they should be entirely deprived of participating in the rightful fight against the polluters.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Bias
Avoid using biased language or personal attacks. For example, calling Greta Thunberg's activism 'suspicious' appears mocking and distracts from your argument.
Evidence
It also helps to provide concrete, tangible evidence when making claims. 'Media outlets have an equal impact' could be strengthened with a specific example or statistic.
Unclear Language
The phrase 'people to raise more children who are conscious of humidity change and other effects' could be clearer. Perhaps you mean 'urge children to be conscious of...' or 'raise children to be conscious of...'

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: