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Band 4

As the result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having negative effect on their health.

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
These days more and more people using contemporary technologies. By reason of technological inventions
such
 as the computer and television,
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of physical activities and it have been impacting
on
Correct your spelling
an
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 individual's health. I
am partially agree
Change the verb form
partially agree
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 with
this
 statement using electronic devices can be harmful,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 it has some advantages
also
.
Initially
,
utilize
Wrong verb form
the utilisation
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 of
cutting edge
Add a hyphen
cutting-edge
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 technologies
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 benefits. One major advantage of that it could give opportunities to the young generation.
For instance
, especially for techies people.
This
 is because they
glued
Add a missing verb
are glued
show examples
 to the screens. Their
work
Add a verb
work is
work was
show examples
 full of these technological things. It may help them to develop different skills. Apart from that it can be beneficial for some citizens in order to have fun.
For example
, watching TV with friends or relatives is very enjoyable and unforgettable. What I mean to say is there might be a heated debate between friends or with cousins.
However
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
myriad
Add an article
a myriad
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 of drawbacks. First and foremost, nowadays teenagers are addicted to gadgets.
This
 means it might lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of sleep or other health problems. In spite of the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 they
used
Add a missing verb
are used
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 to smartphones and
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
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. So that they have problems with their eyes or they may suffer from insomnia. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they are not able to get into full gear.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 it can have
influence
Add an article
an influence
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 on their friendships or maybe
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
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. Because they will ignore the people who live or stay around them. It will cause many issues.
To sum up
,
while
 technology has had both desirable and negative effects, I believe that it has the potential to bring about overwhelmingly negative effects.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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