IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why?

#parents #children #phones #cell #internet #access #tools #touch #point
Nowadays, the world is changing every second into something better and more advanced. In these uncertain times, many
parents
 are comfortable giving their
children
, the freedom of using
smartphones
whereas
 some argue it can be a bad influence.
According to
 me,
smartphones
 are a boon to mankind in
this
 era. First and foremost, if not handled with care, these devices can be a nuisance to the
parents
 and society. As
children
 can have access to anything on the internet, they might get exposed to illegal websites and adult content which is harmful to the entire society.
Additionally
, there are increase in fraudulent activities and
children
 can become victims of them. To exemplify, there are incidents where hackers try to lure
children
 in via emails and messages.
On the other hand
,
smartphones
 are so advanced these days, that any information about the world can be found with just one click of a finger.
Children
 can get great help with their studies and research. There is nothing in the world that the internet does not help us with.
Also
, it saves the cost of hiring a tutor for
children
 which makes it budget-friendly.
For instance
, a child can learn a new language completely online without spending loads of money on language tutors just by enrolling or downloading a language application. To support
this
further
, using
smartphones
 for several tasks can be time-saving and efficient.
Children
 can book an Uber or order food from restaurants in the absence of
parents
, which was an impossible task a few years ago.
Parents
 do not have to worry about them if they have
smartphones
 because
children
 can be independent and safe at the same time.
For example
, there are applications that can track your child’s phone and provide real-time location updates every second. To sum it up, there are
parents
 who do not like young folks owning
smartphones
 because of increasing crime among the young generation,
while
 some trust that for the betterment and safety of their
children
, phones are crucial. In my opinion,
Smartphones
 have a lot to offer to
this
 generation if used appropriately and wisely.
Also
, to stop growing crime, not only we should keep track of the use of
smartphones
 among
children
, but we should
also
 permit only legal websites on search engines.
Submitted by stellinchristian2007 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly states the writer's opinion on the topic and includes a thesis statement that previews the main points to be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Organize the ideas more logically by considering the use of topic sentences and cohesive devices within paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support the main points.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and phrasing to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve accuracy.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • forbid
  • smartphones
  • cell phones
  • Internet access
  • importance
  • keeping in touch
  • negative impacts
  • development
  • social skills
  • engaging
  • physical activities
  • glued to a screen
  • staying connected
  • communication
  • convenience
  • limited access
  • encouraging
  • face-to-face interactions
  • family
  • friends
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